Kelly's revenge
by samanddianefan10
Summary: On the outside she had it all. A wonderful personality, beauty, a laugh that would fill the room. But after five years of seeing Ryan she realizes a lot of things she doesn't like about herself. What happens next affects not only Ryan but everyone in the office. This is a Kelly/Ryan story but other characters factor greatly into it. 23 up.entry for Nov novel writing contest
1. Chapter 1

Kelly didn't know why Ryan didn't love her, all she knew was that he didn't, and instead of hating him for it she hated herself. She tried everything she could think of to make him love her, and nothing seemed to matter, at least not to him. She went to the gym battling those pesky ten pounds she would like to lose, she grew out her hair, she kept her appearances up so that he would be proud of her. If he was, he didn't say. She just knew that if she worked at it long and hard enough he would come around. But this had been going on for five years, and if he had wanted to commit to her by then he would have.

Tonight there was a whole different side to Kelly than what the world saw. She had been crying for four hours, going through two boxes of Kleenex, looking at herself closely in the mirror and for the first time in five years, she didn't like what she saw. Instead of seeing the pretty young lady she was, she saw someone who was unlovable, at least according to Ryan, and who hated herself at the moment. She thought that if she wore the right clothes, did her makeup, was happy all the time Ryan would grab her up in a heartbeat. But tonight, for the first time in five years, she saw that she was wrong. Dead wrong.

She looked around her bathroom and saw a pair of scissors lying by the sink. In a desperate frenzy she chopped off her hair, causing it to be the bob that she wore when she first met Ryan. Mascara and eye shadow had blemished her face, making it hard for her to see anything that she liked about herself. No wonder Ryan didn't love her. She was a mess, a hot mess, and no one knew it but her.

Ever since her sister had died she had tried to be so brave, tried to live life fully, but tonight Kelly Kapoor was even more sad than when her younger sister died. She had nothing left to live for. She needed a new start, but the problem was she didn't even know where to begin. At least she knew that her sister had loved her. With Ryan it was about sex and money and what was in it for him. She hated herself for prostituting herself to a man who obviously had no interest in her, and she was saddened at what she had become.

When had she become so pathetic? Kelly had once been the light of the party especially at Dunder Mifflin, and she now was the female Toby. She talked to no one except when there was a cute salesman and she was trying to make Ryan jealous. If he ever was, he didn't show it. She wasn't his property or his possession, and apparently he didn't care about commitment. No, for the past six months she had gone to work, did her job, and talked to no one. She was a shadow of her former self, and if anyone should have noticed, it should have been Ryan. Instead he was into his concerts and business school and his career and his other women (Yes, Kelly knew about them) and once in a while if he was generous he threw Kelly a bone now and then. She had learned to live for his approval, and if she didn't get it, she was devastated. She didn't know when or why or how she had changed, and all she knew was that she was no longer Kelly Kapoor, chatterbox and party girl. She was the one no one would love, destined to be alone forever.

Why? Why didn't he love her? She gave him the best years of her life, the best sex she could have imagined, the best of her personality, and he didn't care. He should have been with her at that moment, telling her she was beautiful, holding her until the tears stopped, but instead he was out with friends. Friends with benefits, probably.

She realized what the problem was. She was Ryan's backup. She wasn't good enough to be his number one, so she was the one he went to when there were no other options. She wasn't even being treated like a human being. She was a backup. There was a time when she would have insisted on being his number one, but instead she was settling for much less than what anyone deserved. This couldn't go on any longer. Something had to give, and at the moment it looked like Kelly's sanity was what it was.

She didn't know what to do. She couldn't talk to Pam, she had the perfect little family and marriage. There had never been any doubt that Jim loved her only, even when he was with Karen. She couldn't talk to Andy, he would just sing and dance and turn her problems into a vaudeville act. She certainly couldn't talk to Michael. He would just make her feel worse about herself. And if she told her parents how she felt they would drag her back to India. Yes, Kelly was truly alone in the world, and she hated herself for it.

But what could she do? She wasn't strong enough to leave Ryan, was she? After all what kind of life would she have if she did that? No sex life, no little looks, no teasing, no flirting. Anything he gave her was better than the alternative...being completely and totally alone.

She looked at her bottle of medicine, the antidepressants that Toby had once recommended, and she had a bad thought. Would it be so bad if she weren't around anymore? Who would notice, who would care? Certainly not Ryan. She stared at the bottle for quite some time, then finally decided to take drastic action. That would show him how much she loved him.

00000

When Kelly didn't show up at work the next day, Michael called a meeting in the conference room. Of course he put Ryan on the spot, asking if he had seen her. Ryan lied. He didn't tell him that he hadn't shown up for a scheduled date with her. So he just shook his head.

"Maybe she's out shopping," Ryan suggested.

"If she was shopping she would have called in for a sick day," Pam offered.

"Does she really do that? Because that would be against policy.." Toby stated quietly.

Michael stared at him with an evil look on his face. "One of our family...not your family, you have none, is missing and all you are worried about is policy? What the hell is the matter with you man?"

Toby said nothing as he sat back down on his chair.

"This is serious! She's Indian. Maybe she's been sold as a sex slave," Michael announced.

"Yeah, Ryan's sex slave," Kevin laughed. Everyone, especially Angela, shot him a dirty look.

"Ryan, she's your girl, what do you know about her?" Andy asked.

"I don't really think I'm the right person to answer that."

"Why not? She loves you. Don't you love her?"

Ryan didn't answer.

"What is with you man? I've always said between the two of you," Michael spoke up," I'd pick you, but right now I'm not so sure."

"She could be anywhere. I really don't know what to say."

"What kind of mood was she in when you last saw her?" Pam asked.

"I don't know. She was mad at me so I kind of tuned her out."

"Great communication," Jim mugged for the camera.

"Do you ever tune me out?" Pam asked Jim.

"I'm sorry did you say something?"

"This is serious. I don't want us to be a Ryan and Kelly. I hope we have built something stronger. If I go missing I would hope you would know exactly where to find me."

"I would never let you go missing in the first place," Jim responded as he squeezed his wife's hand.

"You see!" Michael shouted. "That, Ryan, is love. That is commitment. That is what everyone wants. I know that's what I want. And I won't stop until I find it. I know you have your degree but what you really need is a degree in women."

Ryan looked down, feeling so put on the spot. He hated when Michael made advances towards him, but this was worse. He let Michael down. He would rather have the creepy staring or the occasional slap on the but than to face his wrath.

"Maybe she's at home sick." Oscar offered.

"Too sick to call in?" Dwight laughed. "I would never call off sick in the first place, and if there were an emergency I would page Michael right away."

"That is if you had my actual pager number," Michael muttered.

"You gave me a false number?"

"Never mind about the number! Jim, you and Ryan come with me. We're going to Kelly's house. Everyone stand by. This is an emergency, I repeat, it is an emergency."

Everyone looked at Michael, hoping like usual he was making a big deal out of nothing. But in Ryan's heart he knew something was wrong. He didn't know why but he had a bad feeling about this. So he and Jim got in Michael's car and as they drove away, he for once realized what a fool he had been for so long.

Tbc


	2. Chapter 2

No one was prepared for what they found at Kelly's apartment. They had let themselves in, courtesy of the key she had once given Ryan, and what they found concerned them greatly. Tissues were thrown around everywhere. Torn up pictures of Ryan, and love letters apparantly she had written to him but had never given him. Jim found one, read it quickly, then handed it over to Michael.

Michael's face grew ashen as he read the contents of the note.

_Dear Ryan,_

_By now you have probably realized that I am not at work, or have you? You don't seem to notice anything about me anymore. In the beginning it was all fun and games but that changed, at least for me. You see, I fell in love. I wasn't planning to, but I did, and I guess you just never felt the same way about me as I did for you. I would have done anything to make you happy, and I tried my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough for you. I tried, Ryan, I really did. I hope you are happy- I mean that. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I thought that I could give that to you. I guess I was wrong._

_You see tonight I learned something important about happiness. You have to have it within. It can't come from other people, or you will wind up like me- lonely, sad, miserable. I know you can go on with your life the way things are, but I can't. I have to tell you this, Ryan- I'm not happy. I haven't been for some time. It's not your fault. I expected things out of you that you just couldn't give me. All I ever wanted was to be loved, and I picked someone who wasn't capable of giving me the kind of love I dreamed of ever since I was a little girl._

_You never asked me much about my childhood. My parents fought all the time, and I felt it was my fault. They especially started fighting after my sister died, and it was like they forgot I was there. But that's what made me decide I wanted the movie star kind of love, the kind of love you told me never existed. It was all pretend, you would say, and until now I never believed you._

_But I believe you now. It doesn't happen to real people like me. It happens with Brad and Angelina (who fell in love at work, like I thought we had) but I guess I was wrong about us. Take care of yourself, Ryan. I hope you find what you are looking for._

_Kel_

It took Michael a few times to read it to realize what was really going on. Even then, it hadn't really sank in what Kelly was talking about.

"I hope you're happy, Ryan. Kelly's gone back to India to fix her parents' marriage and she left us behind."

Jim grabbed the note then started running through the house. He ran to the bathroom, where he found locks of Kelly's hair casually tossed around on the floor. Then he thought to himself, Marilyn Monroe. She had been found in her bed, so that was the first place he ran to. He almost got sick but pulled himself together, that was his lot in life, so he hollered for Ryan and Michael.

What they found was extremely upsetting. Kelly was lying on the floor, motionless, and Jim was levelheaded enough to call 911. Michael ran over to start CPR but Jim pulled him back.

Ryan almost threw up at the sight. This was all his fault. Kelly could be dead and it would be all his fault. If only he hadn't been so selfish, if he had only put her first now and then, then this wouldn't be happening. He ran to Kelly and held her head up, hoping for a miracle, but wasn't quite sure he believed in them at that point. He had known Kelly had loved him, but until this moment he hadn't realized how deep that love had ran. And he had played her like a fool. He was an asshole, and he hated himself for it.

Finally the paramedics arrived and began to work on her. Soon they loaded her up onto the stretcher, and the guys followed behind. No one said a word- they didn't have to. This was all Ryan's fault, everyone could see that, and so not even Jim could think of what to say at a time like this.

It was clear to Michael of one thing however. He had let one of his team down. How could he have not seen the signs? How could he have been so caught up in his short term happiness with Holly that he failed to see that someone he loved like a sister or a niece was in trouble? Up until then Ryan had been his golden boy, the boy who could do no wrong. But it was clear more than ever he would never look at Ryan the same way again. No one would. Not even Kelly, if she made it.


	3. Chapter 3

As Kelly lay in a medically induced coma Michael, Jim and Ryan gathered by her bedside, all in a state of shock. Michael kept opening his mouth to speak, but he found himself speechless. He had let Kelly down. He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but even he knew that Ryan was playing Kelly. He should have said something to her, the way he had to Andy when Angela had been having her affair with Dwight. This was his business, his family, his life, and now he might lose one. A single tear fell down his face when Jim pulled him aside.

"You okay?"

"How can I be? Kelly's dead and it's all my fault!"

"First of all, she's not dead, she's going to be okay in a while, the doctors have said that. Secondly, how could this be your fault? None of us knew that this was going to happen," Jim responded compassionately. True, Michael got on his nerves most of the time, but it was this side, his humane side, that had somehow endeared him to everyone.

"I knew, Jim. I knew Ryan was playing her for a fool. I should have said something. If I did she might not have blamed herself. It's Ryan's fault. Everyone knows that."

"Thirdly, now's probably not the best time to blame Ryan. I'm sure he's beating himself up pretty badly right now and could use our support."

Michael stared over at an ashen Ryan, then turned back to Jim. "Are you kidding me? I always looked up to Ryan like he was my son, like my brother, like my friend. But anyone who could treat another human being the way he did, well, they are no longer my brother."

Ryan approached them. "Look, I can't tell you how sorry I am for this. You're right, Michael. This is all my fault. I should have treated her better. I knew she loved me. I knew she just wanted to make me happy, and I took and took and took. Everything you have to say about me, you're right."

"You're darn right I am!" Michael shook with anger. "Look what you have done! She tried to kill herself because of you. What is wrong with you? You had everything, man, and you threw it away. I would kill to have a woman love me the way Kelly did you."

"Let's not refer to Kelly in the past tense," Jim reminded him.

"Why not? Look at her! She's practically dead and we're all responsible for this. Jim weren't you the one to set them up?"

It hadn't occurred to Jim to feel guilty until that moment. It was true, he had set up Kelly and Ryan. He had had a feeling about the younger employee, but against his better judgement set them up. If only he had known. He should have known. For the better part of a decade he'd been all about Pam. When had he taken the time to get to know any of his coworkers? He could understand Michael not knowing but him? He'd always considered himself a sharp guy. He felt guilty, being thankful for Kelly's quiet moods. But he could have- should have- known something was seriously wrong with her. If Michael and Ryan were to blame, he certainly shouldered some of it as well.

"Well there's nothing more we can do here. Let's all go back to work, let everyone know what happened, and try to pull ourselves together," Jim tried to be the voice of reason, but his guilt was eating at him. Sitting around here wasn't going to help. They had a business to run, and they had to consider that as well.

"Michael I think you should call one of your conferences," Ryan suggested, trying to get back on his boss's good side.

"You're right, for the first time. A conference is in order. Let's go." Before he left, he kissed Kelly on the cheek, and wiped his eyes.

But it didn't help. His eyes were still red when they arrived back at the office. Once in the conference room everyone knew that Michael had been crying. They all stared at Ryan, who sat motionless in the corner. If anyone should have been crying, it was Ryan. They knew the basics from Jim who had called, but were all anxious for updates.

"Michael, I have a proposal," Dwight spoke up. "It appears that we have an unstable employee amongst us. I believe Kelly Kapoor should be terminated effective immediately."

Everyone started to throw things at Dwight.

"We can't do that," Toby said quietly. "It's important that she gets the help she needs, and we have a great mental health policy."

Michael stared at him. "I have a better idea. We have a mental health policy that should help Kelly in her recovery. It's our job to support her and wish her the best, and some of us," he looked at Angela, "may even want to pray for her."

"I'm not praying for her. She believes in a hundred gods, and everyone knows there is only one."

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" Phyliss asked. "She's a vegtable for heaven's sake."

"Does it really matter what she believes in?" Pam spoke up. "She's our friend and she is in trouble. I agree with Michael. I think we should all visit and support her."

Jim smiled at his wife, always the voice of reason.

"Does it matter? It's not like she would know we were there," Kevin added.

Oscar disagreed. "Actually studies show that people in a coma know when people are in their presence. If it were me, well, I might actually appreciate the compassion of my fellow coworkers."

"It might be hard to get in with all of your male escorts surrounding you, wouldn't it?" Angela made a face at him.

"Angela!"

"Let me handle this," Michael spoke up. "It doesn't matter how matter how many escorts Oscar has, as long as they are over age- they are, aren't they?"

Oscar looked at the camera and frowned.

"Anyways," Angela spoke up. "Shouldn't it be Ryan's job to babysit her? He's the reason for this anyways. And we can't stop God's will. If it should be His will for her to die, than so be it."

Andy stared at his one time fiancee. "Come on now, it's not all Ryan's fault. He didn't know that his actions had consequences. He's part of the x generation. They don't realize that for every action there is a reaction, and he certainly couldn't have predicted this. Let's not all be too hasty to blame Ryan, when there is plenty of blame to go around."

"Thank you," Michael agreed. "We are all part of Kelly's family and we all knew what Ryan was up to, everyone but Kelly. Andy, how did you feel when you found out about Angela's indiscretions?"

Angela stood up and walked out of the room.

"I was ready to kill Dwight! Are you kidding me? I felt like the biggest fool in the world."

"Another reason we shouldn't have stuck our noses where they didn't belong," Phyliss added quietly.

Finally after being quiet for so long Erin stood up, crying. "Our friend is in trouble and we're in here fighting? That's not what Kelly would want. She believes in love, true love. Why don't we try to love each other instead of blaming each other."

"Free love, I'm down with that," Creed looked at the camera. "Tried it once. Maybe more. It was the sixties, man. Everyone was doing it, dammit! Who are you to judge me?"

"I think Erin is right," Andy said. "I think it's important she knows she's loved. Yes, we should have said something to Kelly about Ryan being a d-bag."

"Hey I'm right here," Ryan protested.

"Sorry dude, the truth hurts sometimes. I was angry but not at Michael for telling me. I was angry with all of you for knowing but not telling me. I don't know what's up with that but in this case it appears that we did Kelly no favor."

"Stanley put down your puzzle!" Michael ordered. "Are you listening to this? This could be your wife after finding out about your mistress."

"Leave me out of this. My wife is stable thank you very much."

"But we all said the same thing about Kelly! Yes she was talkative and bubbly and maybe not too bright, but she had feelings, just like your wife does. I think you should go home and tell your wife, no, show your wife that you love her!"

Grateful for a day off of work, Stanley got up and left the building as quickly as he could. He was going to see his girlfriend, not his wife, but it didn't matter. A day off was a day off.

"This just goes to show," Michael continued," that this could have been anyone of us. I've been the cuckold many times in my relationships. There were times I thought about killing myself. There, I said it, are you all happy?"

Everyone grew quiet. They all thought they knew Michael Scott very well, but to hear him admit something like that shocked them all.

"I too thought about killing myself after finding out about Angela." Andy admitted. "But I decided it would have been easier to kill Dwight. But still, the thought crossed my mind."

"I used to slit my wrists in high school," Erin spoke up, and now everyone stared at her. "My own parents didn't want me, I was in a terrible foster home, and it was the only way I could feel better. I didn't want to die but I wanted someone to love me, to notice me, to care about me."

The silence grew until Andy spoke up. "I care about you, Erin."

"I care about you too," Phyliss added.

"I dare go as far as say as I love you, Erin," Michael pronounced boldly. "I love all of you. It appears that even though we work together we really don't know each other as well as we thought we did."

"I thought I was going to die once," Kevin spoke up.

"When the men's room was closed for cleaning?" Jim asked. Kevin frowned then sat back down.

"I would never kill myself or harm myself in any way." Dwight announced. "Shrute men are of solid stock. Nothing penetrates us."

"Then why did you look so devestated when I told you that Angela and I had had relations," Andy asked. Dwight shut up.

"It appears that this branch of Dunder Mifflin is in more serious trouble than I had realized," Michael said. "So maybe we should all thank Ryan, for he made his girlfriend try to kill herself and its brought us all closer. So thank you, Ryan, for being a b-bag."

"D-bag," Andy corrected.

"Michael I feel sick. I think I need a sick day," Ryan finally spoke up.

"Are you going to see her?"

Ryan nodded.

"Then go, go with my blessings. We'll all be there after work. Tell her that we love her and we miss her and we just want her to get better."

Ryan didn't look back as he left, as he knew he had his own secrets, and there was only one person who would understand. He needed Kelly more than ever, and now it might be too late.


	4. Chapter 4

As Ryan took his seat by Kelly's bedside, all he could think was that his friends-coworkers actually- were right. This was all of his fault. He knew how much Kelly loved him, and yet he played her for the fool. It wasn't because he didn't care about her. It was actually because he cared too much. If she got too close to him she would see the real him, and then she would not love him anymore and then leave. That's the way it worked in the past with other girlfriends anyways. They expected, probably due to his good looks, for him to be perfect, so when he would let his guard down and start to tell them how he really felt about things, it was as if he had let them down somehow. So it was bettter to remain gaurded and protect himself than to reveal who he really was.

Who was he anyways? He wasn't the perfect employee at Dunder Mifflin, he realized that, but as long as he got by, who was he hurting? He'd had his chance at promotion but had blown it big time. It was only due to Michael Scott's good graces that he'd gotten his job back, and for that he supposed he should be grateful. Michael was always looking over his shoulder, but he was also always looking out for him as well. Add him to the list of people he'd hurt with his actions, or rather, inactions.

He didn't really care too much about the others. At one time he'd nursed a crush on Pam, but she was always about Jim. Always. Dwight got on his nerves. Oscar was kind of cool, but he was gay, and that made him somewhat uncomfortable. He hadn't really known a lot of gay guys, so most of the time he wasn't quite sure what to say around him.

Angela was the office bitch. He could see why Andy and Dwight had fought over her, but her personality made her unattractive to him. She was condescending and rude and was always looking down her nose at everyone. She seemed to delight in his downfall, so she was another person to avoid. And then there was Kevin. What could he say about Kevin? Every time Ryan would dismiss him as an idiot he would say something to humiliate Ryan, and he kind of hated him for that.

Toby was kind of okay, but in the back of his mind he suspected that he was the Scranton Strangler. It wouldn't surprise him to read about him in the papers one day.

There was one person in the office he could count on, and that person was Kelly. She made life exciting and fun and challenging. They would break up, but within a few weeks they would be back together whether or not he had officially okayed it. But she loved him with everything in her, and he threw it all away.

Why did she love him, that was the question that he'd asked himself time and time again. She hadn't seen him, the real him, the one that he protected from the outside world. The real Ryan was emotional and cried over a good movie, Kelly saw that but thankfully hadn't mentioned that to anyone. But he was always looking out for number one. If Kelly had realized sooner how selfish he was surely she wouldn't be in the state that she was.

But she finally wisened up, and saw him for the jerk that he was. He knew something bad would come of their fling, he just had no idea how bad it would be. She was in a coma, he was the butt of the office's hatred, and he had to live with himself. That was the one skill his parents had never taught him. He had been an only child and was used to getting everything that he'd ever wanted. The tv was his babysitter, so he'd learned early on that he needed lots of distraction in order to be entertained. What Ryan had wanted he had gotten so he'd never learned how to put in the hard work that paid off in spades for most people. At best, he was just getting by, not living, and that was what he didn't want Kelly to see.

Kelly loved him unconditionally, or at least she professed to. But did she know him, faults and all? Did she know how he wasn't perfect, how he made a fool out of himself at work at least once daily, how low he'd been when he was in prison? True, she was the only one in his life to visit him there, but had she any idea how humiliating, how far down he'd gone? She saw the cool side, like proposing to get married so they could have conjital visits, but she would leave and he'd be all alone again. To tell the truth, Ryan kind of resented her visits. They only served to make him realize what he'd been missing out on, and so he was left with a sickening, empty feeling that he had once used drugs to cope with.

Here he went again, blaming things on Kelly. It was too easy to blame his miserable life on her. She'd put him so high up that there was nowhere left for him to go but down. She remembered every holiday, every anniversary, every special occasion in their relationship, but he pretended as if none of them really mattered. He couldn't show her he'd care, for then again his secret flaws would be exposed and he couldn't have that. He didn't want to disappoint the one person who loved him, so he put on a brave front and treated her cruely. Surely she deserved much better than him.

He looked over and she looked so peaceful, so unaware of the drama that her actions had caused. Everyone in the office was questioning their own sanity, none of which would have come to light if it weren't for her desperate act. Now no one knew who the other person was, no one knew who could be trusted, no one knew who was stable and who wasn't. That was why it was all the more important he put on his poker face. If no one knew him no one could guess how he really felt at the moment.

He had never felt this alone, even when he was in prison. He'd had Kelly's visits to look forward to, even though they left him feeling empty inside. He had nothing now. Without Kelly he really was a nothing, and now the world knew it. Michael even hated him, and for some reason that really bothered him. He'd always put up with Michael's creepy attraction to him, but to know that Michael no longer cared about him, well, that hurt, just as much as what Kelly had done,.

Kelly wouldn't care about any of that. She just loved him for who he was, or at least who she wanted him to be. She always talked about getting married and having babies, and she refused to accept that that just wasn't where he was at. It was hard being on a pedistal- there was only one way to go- down. At first Ryan was flattered that Kelly thought so much of him, but there came a point when it scared him. What if she found out who he was and stopped loving him? That was bound to happen, it always did, so it was best to keep her at arm's length. Not that he was blaming her for this. It was his fault, everyone knew that, but what no one knew was that he truly hated himself, not just for this, but for everything he'd ever done in his life.

Ryan had always assumed he'd be a somebody by the time he turned 30. and at one point, he was. He was the youngest highest ranked executive at Dunder Mifflin. But true to form, he'd blown it, and was reduced eventually to going back to being a temp. His parents no longer spoke to him, for they were too ashamed to admit that they'd raised a son with a drug problem and who'd commited a felony. So all he had was Kelly, and he often took solace in her bedroom.

But sex wasn't the answer to everything. It made him feel good for a few minutes, but then that empty feeling came again and he ran to escape it, and he blamed it on Kelly. She tried too hard to please him, he would tell himself, or he couldn't handle intimacy. But some of the best moments of his life were between he and Kelly and in the bedroom, and when they both shared personal information. Especially Kelly. She would often talk about the void in her life when her sister died, and he hadn't known how to react. He wasn't a counselor for heaven's sake! Even though he didn't believe in psychiatry, at one point he'd suggested counseling to Kelly. She refused to speak to him for a week because she thought he thought she was crazy. It wasn't that he thought she was crazy, it was that it was becoming impossible to be all things to her- psychiatrist, friend, boyfriend, coworker, lover, future father of their kids. He was only one person, and it was hard to be all those things to another person. He had his own shit to deal with, and Ryan knew he couldn't reveal them to Kelly. She would see him as human instead of the God she had elevated him to, and then she would leave. It was better that he remain distant than to reveal too much of himself. He knew what she thought- what they all thought, that he was a jerk, but it was better that than to be seen as a loser.

He had to stay in control, no matter what. He'd been in control during the relationship with Kelly, and that was one reason he stayed. He called the shots. It was up to him when they went on a date, when they had sex, or even if he talked to her that day. It was an adrenilne rush, to be sure, but it also kept him in his comfort zone. There was no way he could surrender the power to Kelly, for she would only break his heart, and he wouldn't go through that again.

But look how well that worked out for them. Kelly was a vegetable and he was the jerk who drove her to attempt suicide. All of his well laid plans flew out the window the moment he, Jim, and Michael entered her apartment. She no longer loved him, and the thought scared him to death. Moreso even than the thought of her dying. Kelly had woke up one day and saw him for who he was, and he couldn't stand the thought.

She looked so beautiful, so peaceful, betraying the conflict within herself. She hated him, she stopped loving him, and most of all, she stopped loving herself. He took something so precious, so beautiful, and threw it away with both hands. He almost wished he would be back in prison, for there he had learned to pretend that everything was just a game. But this was no game. Kelly could have died for him, and he didn't know how to deal with that.

As he watched her laboring to breathe, he hadn't realized that someone else was watching him, and was trying to analyze him. Michael Scott had returned to make amends with his friend, but first was interested in seeing Ryan's reaction to seeing his beloved Kelly like that. If Ryan had known that Michael was standing in the hallway observing him, he might have put on a show. He was good at putting on a show for others. He would have hated Michael for observing him in his natural state. Ryan felt weak, and he hated that. He was too scared to talk to Kelly, to hold her hand, to tell her that everything was going to be okay. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was that he didn't know how to be the man that she wanted him to be, and for that, he hated himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Michael observed Ryan doing what appeared to be nothing as he sat by Kelly's bedside. There was no emotion, no feeling, no nothing. In a way he felt sorry for his younger friend. This had to be hard, knowing that he was the reason another person tried to take their life. At first Michael had acted out of anger, but he wanted to support Ryan. He always rooted for the underdog, and Ryan was definitely that at the moment. He had no friends at the office, no one to talk to, no one to understand. Michael definitely felt sorry for the boy. He'd been the outcast too many times in his life to count, and could relate to Ryan's feelings of isolation. What could he do? He was never prepared for a crisis, even though he liked to pretend that he was. This was beyond his years' of expertise with people, and he hated himself for not knowing what to do.

So he just stood and watched. Ryan went from staring at Kelly to staring at his own reflection in the window. What must he be thinking? Knowing Ryan he must have been checking to make sure that his hair wasn't messed up. Michael smiled to himself. Same old Ryan. There was something about the youngster that reminded himself of his own person, a younger, more idealistic, a more promising Michael Scott. He realized at times that Ryan didn't care to know that, but it was true. He saw so much promise in Ryan that he had vowed to never give up on him. And if he did so now, what kind of friend, person, boss would he be?

So he cleared his throat and then Ryan looked up at him. "I didn't know you were there." Ryan said flatly, more of an accusation than anything else.

"I've only been here for a minute. I just came by to see if you needed anything. I brought you an orange juice. Gotta stay strong you know."

Ryan smiled. "thanks, Michael."

There was an awkward pause before Ryan spoke up, his voice choking. "I never ...I never meant for this to happen you know."

Michael walked over and embraced his friend, who finally began to sob in earnest. "It's okay, Ryan. Let it out. You don't have to be strong. That's why I'm here. She needs you. It will be okay, I promise."

"You don't understand..."

"I would if you tell me. I have been told I'm a good listener."

"Michael I don't know what to do. I usually like to know what's going on but I honestly don't know what's going to happen to her. What if she dies? What if she wakes up? I don't know which I'm more afraid of happening."

"Why would you be afraid of her waking up? That's what we all want." Michael slowly pulled back.

"Because then I'll know how much she hates me."

"Ryan she could never hate you. She loves you more than anyone, even more than I do."

Ryan stared at him curiously.

"I mean, nothing you ever do is wrong in her book. You're perfect. You can do no wrong. She'll wake up and she'll go back to loving you and everything will be okay again."

"Don't you see, Michael? Nothing will ever be the same. For the rest of my life I'll have this on my conscience. I'll wind up resenting her and leaving her and I'll just keep hurting her over and over again. It's like I'm caught in a viscious cycle and I don't know how to make it stop."

"Would it help if I told you that I believed in you?"

It did, but Ryan wouldn't admit that. "I don't believe in myself at the moment."

"Well buddy you better man up because this isn't about you. It's about Kelly. She needs you to be strong. Do whatever it takes for you to step up to the plate because I promise you when she wakes up you're going to be the first face she wants to see."

"What if I can't do it? What if I can't face her? Then she'll hate me and I'll have lost her forever."

"Is that what you want? To lose her forever? Because if you do now's your chance. Now's your chance to back out of whatever it is you two have going on, and it will be all on Kelly to take control of her life."

"What would you do if that were Holly in there?"

Michael smiled. "I'd hold her hand and talk to her and tell her everything. I'd tell her how much I loved her and missed her and needed her. I wouldn't leave her side until I knew she would be okay. And then, if for some reason I didn't love her, I'd let her go. Not out of spite or hate. But out of love. Sometimes leaving someone can be the best way you can show them you love them. Is that what you want, Ryan? Do you love her enough to let her go, let her go on to find love with someone else? Someone that will give her what you cannot?"

"I don't know, Michael. I don't know what I want."

"How would you feel if she were with someone else right now?"

"I don't know."

"You'd hate it and you'd hate yourself. I know that Holly's with AJ and there's nothing I can do but wait. I wait because I love her and I know that we're meant to be together. Is it easy? No, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I do it because I love her. I hope you know how much Kelly loves you. Think about that before you throw her away."

Ryan and Michael said nothing for awhile. For once, Ryan was glad not to be alone with Kelly. Michael was an idiot, to be sure, but for a moment he pitied Holly, because she was the one missing out.

That didn't make his decision any easier. Should he take Michael's advice and be with Kelly until she wakes up? Should he leave her? Or should he love her? That was the problem. He knew he should love her, but until he learned to love himself he knew that he would never be able to love anyone else. That's what seperated him from Michael, besides a few dozen IQ points. Michael may not know much, but what he believed in he absolutely believed in. Ryan wasn't like that. He may have been smarter of the two, but he didn't know what he believed in. Did he believe in Kelly? Did he believe in God? Did he believe in Michael at the moment? The thoughts started racing and suddenly he felt like he needed some air.

He excused himself and then went outside and lit up a cigerette.

"Excuse me sir, " a nurse approached him. "There's no smoking here."

He threw it down to the ground, a waste, and saw a small park a cross the street. He knew he could find some answers there, or at least hoped he could, so he went over and sat on the swing, slowly shufflinghis feet up and down. He found a place where he could be alone with his thoughts, a desperate place to be. He watched as the young mothers with their toddlers played and thought to himself that that could have been him and Kelly there with their kids. She loved kids and wanted them so badly but he kept putting her off. She only knew that she wanted to be a mother with all of her heart and he kept crushing her dreams. Who was he anyways? What made him play god with another life? If he didn't love her why did he keep going back, and if he did love her, why wasn't he in that room with her? The answers terrified him.

So he swung back and forth, tossing rocks around with his shoes as he tried to solve the big mystery of his life. Who was he, really? What did he want from his life? Most of all, did he see a place for Kelly or even Dunder Mifflin in it? What was the worst thing he could do, run away and start a new life? The thought, though crazy, didn't sound half bad as he lit up another cigerrette. He could start all over again, no babies, no crazies, no Kevin Malones or Jim Halperts or Dwight Shrutes. Most of all, there would be no Kelly, and the thought nearly broke his heart.

So he sat outside for awhile, lost in his thoughts, while Kelly lay helpless inside. She didn't deserve any of this. She was a good woman whose only crime was to love Ryan Howard. And for that, she might be damned to hell for taking her own life. This was too much! God, hell, heaven, babies, the future, a job, whereto live. Ryan honestly didn't know how much more he could take before he, too, reached his breaking point. He didn't want to use again, and he certainly didn't want to end up back in prison. But in his way, his life had become a prison. Kelly had seen to it. He went back and forth between loving and hating her and it was tearing him up. He still didn't like himself very much, so what in the world had Kelly been doing by loving him? He should have felt safe and secure, instead of turning on the one true force in his life who had never let him down. But because of his self hatred he turned on Kelly. She was the one with the problem, not him, at least in his mind. She was screwed up because she loved him. That was all there was too it. Any normal person would not love him. So he tried time and time again to push her away but she was always there, always waiting to love and accept him, and he didn't know why.

Any normal person would feel safe and secure in the knowledge of being loved by another human being. But someone with so little self respect wouldn't, could not see it that way. It was hard to accept what you did not have to give away yourself. If he liked himself he would have seen what Michael Scott saw, a bright, promising young man with the world at his feet. Instead Ryan saw someone who wasn't happy with his own life, who couldn't make someone's else's life complete because his own life wasn't complete either. Uncondtional love is a miraculous thing. If you're lucky enough to find someone who loves you for who you are you should consider yourself a lucky man. Just as Holly couldn't take that from Michael, Ryan couldn't receive it from Kelly either. Ryan was starting to see some of himself in Michael, and that scared him.

Why? Why didn't he love Kelly? That was the million dollar question in his life. Did he love her and just not realize it, or was he truly using her for his own gratification? He hadn't stopped to think about it before all of this. Now questions and philosphy were filling his mind, and he didn't like it. If there were a magic pill to make him stop thinking, even for a second, he would take it. But no pill existed, so Ryan sat in the park, tortured with his own thoughts and soul. He even envied Kelly for a minute. She didn't have to think about these things, not in the state she was in. She could just sleep away her problems, but not Ryan. He had been left behind to wonder what his life was really worth. And the more he thought about it, the more he really didn't like the answers he was coming up with.


	6. Chapter 6

"Erin may I speak with you for a moment?" Andy approached the front desk.

"Of course. You know I always have time for you," she smiled sweetly.

"About what you said in the conference room...did you really mean that? That you did that to yourself?"

She rolled up her sleeve, revealing a trail of scars that each one told a story. Andy was shocked. He'd never suspected anything like that about Erin.

"Well I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you if you ever...need someone to talk to. In Cornell I was told I was a pretty good listener."

She wasn't sure how much of herself that she wanted to reveal, especially when her best friend was in crisis.

"Andy, I went through a lot as a kid. I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted. I mean, who gives up their kid and doesn't even try to look for them? I just wanted to feel better and cutting myself was the only way I knew how. I'm not proud of it but it's something I did. I am so worried about Kelly and then I think I'm selfish.."

"How could you ever think you're selfish? You're the least selfish person I know!"

"Yes but my best friend was in crisis and I had no idea. I mean I knew she loved Ryan but who knew she didn't love herself? I should have seen the signs, I should have been there for her." She started to cry, and Andy walked around the desk to embrace her.

"You know, I always knew that Howard was a little punk. You want me to kick his ass? I will you know."

"No Andy. That's not what she needs. When she wakes up she's still going to love him and I wouldn't want to do anything that would hurt her even more. I think Michael's the right person to get through to him."

"Michael? Michael Scott? Are we talking about the same person who glued himself to the toilet seat once and made Dwight help him off of it?"

"You don't know Michael the way I do. I see a sweet side to him. He cares a lot about people and I know he loves Ryan. You see the way he loves Holly even though she loves another man. He believes in true love and happy endings and I think that maybe he can get Ryan to see his point of view," Erin replied, sniffling.

"You don't know Michael the way I do. He blunders everything he does. He says the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time," Andy protested.

"Yes, but he speaks from the heart, and that's what will help Kelly pull through."

"Erin, you're so sweet. You're so good and kind and everything I wish I was,"Andy sighed.

"What do you mean?" she smiled.

"Where I see a jerky jerk face you see the soul of a poet. You see red and pink where I see grey and black. You have the best heart of anyone I know. It's no wonder I..."

He quickly retreated back to his desk, leaving Erin to wonder what he was going to say. If she didn't know any better, she could have sworn he was going to tell her he loved her. But he didn't, so she guessed that was the end of it.

She loved Andy Bernard. There was no doubt in her mind that he was the one for her. But he wouldn't ask her out, and she didn't know why. She tried to be as nice to him as possible. She laughed at all of his jokes, even the bad ones. And she loved him so much she didn't realize they were bad jokes. She saw a good person, where everyone else saw a dork. That was okay. She knew she was kind of dorky too, so that didn't matter to her. What mattered was she was living for the day Andy would gather up his courage and say the three little words that meant the most to a girl. Those were the same three little words Kelly tried to kill herself over because Ryan wouldn't say them to her. Erin couldn't think of a more powerful statement in the world. Wars could be solved if someone would reach out and say I love you to their enemy, she was sure. One of these days, if she ever gathered the strength, she would tell Andy Bernard just how she felt about him.

0000

Andy knew what he had almost said to Erin. He was so scared of rejection after the whole Angela affair that he knew that he couldn't afford to wear his heart on his sleeve the way he once had. If Erin rejected him, he would once again be the office fool, the idiot whom women hated. And he was terrified of that. If Erin would give him a sign, any sign, then he would proclaim with arms wide open how he felt, but so far she hadn't. And until that day he would just keep his feelings to himself.

000000

"Yes, I was in love once. Maybe twice," Creed told the camera. "Chicks love me. It's all about confidence. When you got it you flaunt it. I ain't afraid to flaunt anything, including this tattoo I got of a buddy of mine's name on my derriere. Want to see it?" He started to pull down his pants when the cameras turned to Jim.

Jim wouldn't look at anyone, not even Pam. She was doing everything in her power to get her husband's attention, including pulling pranks on Dwight, but he wasn't having any of it. He looked down at his desk, trying to pay attention to his work but finding it nearly impossible. It was his fault. Michael was right. He was the one to set up Kelly and Ryan, and now this had happened. If he had just refused to gety involved none of this would have ever happened. What kind of person was he? He liked to please people, and often resorted to pranks and jokes to make it happen. But he had ignored Kelly for the longest time. He should have known something was wrong. He prided himself on being the most intelligent person at the branch (and that wasn't saying much) but he let down one of his team members. A girl got her heart broke and now wants to die. If Pam knew his role in it she would hate him forever.

As it was, he was going to hate himself forever. He blamed himself for the whole mess, and not even Pam could cheer him up. He had to live with this on his conscience, and how he would he didn't know. He loved Pam and CC with all of his heart, but was he really someone they could depend on? And what was worse, CeCe would grow up and get her heart broke by a boy one day. How would he know the signs that she was in trouble? Would this happen to his daughter? He banged his fist on his desk in frustration, scared that something could happen to his little girl.

Jim walked over to the bathroom, with the cameras trailing his every move.

"Not now!" He put his hand over the camera and then stormed into the restroom. Pam quickly followed, shocked to see her husband in tears.

"Jim? What's wrong?"

"Pam I really don't want to talk about it."

"It's Kelly, isn't it? She's going to be okay. You told us the doctors said so. So why are you so upset?:

\

"I should have known, Pam. I was just so grateful for Kelly's silence that I never stopped to ask her what was wrong. If I had maybe this wouldn't have happened."

Pam knew that she loved her husband more than ever. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. I didn't know. None of us did."

"You see I kind of did.\"

Pam looked at her husband curioiouslh,

"I knew. I set them up. I knew what Ryan was about but I still set them up. If I hadn't..." his voice trailed off.

"You can't stop love and you can't fight fate. Hasn't our love taught you anything by now?"

He looked at her.

"We had so many obstacles to climb and yet we found each other. It's a miracle, really if you think about it."

"So you're saying Ryan and Kelly are miracles?"

"I'm saying they would have found a way to each other even if you hadn't stepped in. You can't fight fate," she repeated. "it's up to Ryan to realize what his destiny is. You and I just got lucky that we both realized what our destiny is, and look what it's brought us? The most beautiful little girl in the world. We beat the odds, Jim, and so might Kelly and Ryan. He's definitely got a lot of growing up to do. You can't fight the world's battles."

"I don't know, Pam. You should have seen him in the hospital room. He didn't look like he had a care in the world. I don't know how you could not be affected by what we saw at Kelly's house..."

"You don't know what he's feeling. Maybe you should try to talk to him."

"Maybe I should kick his..."

"Everyone needs a friend, Jim," Pam calmly reassured him. "You loved me when I wasn't so loveable. I wasn't always nice to you but you loved me anyways. And look at what we have now!"

"I'm lucky to have you, Beesly," he smiled before pulling her in for a hug.

00000

At the hospital room Michael was waiting by Kelly's side when Jim walked in. "Where's Ryan?"

\

"I don't know. He left a few hours ago. I've been waiting for him to come back."

"You've been waiting here all this time? Maybe I've underestimated you."

"That's what she said," they both said simultaniously, laughing for the first time all day.

"Any change in her condition?" Jim asked.

"Nope. Nothing. But she's still in there. I've been telling her how much I love her...we love her, and I know she can hear me. She has to."

"You really think she's going to be okay?"

"She has to, because I ordered her to. And you all know how to take my orders."

Again they laughed, and finally Ryan walked in.

"Hey Ryan. What's up?" Jim asked.

"Nothing. Just went out to clear my head."

"You want to talk?"

"No but I appreciate the offer," Ryan declined.

"Give him time. He knows he can call me any time of the day or night when he feels like talking," Michael added.

"Thanks guys but I really don't see me talking about this any time soon. I just kind of want to be alone."

\"With Kelly?" Jim asked.

Ryan nodded. So Michael and Jim left for the night, with Michael patting Ryan on the shoulder on the way out. It was going to be a long night, the longest night of Ryan's life.

He loved her. He didn't love her. Who was he to decide what his heart wanted anyways? If he loved her before now he was obligated to stay with her, and what kind of relationship was that? He knew he was being selfish but he didn't care. The girl, despite the others, who had given him so much pleasure and escape from reality, truly loved him. The question was, how did he feel about her?He thought that he knew, but now everything had changed, definitely not for the better. She laid her life in his hands, and the thought was almost too much for him to bear.


	7. Chapter 7

Phyllis went home to Bob, where he had prepared a meal for his wife. It was a good meal, an Italian one, and she was overwhelmed by his kindness. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had wondered what he had seen in her. Maybe Kelly, too, could have been her. But would anyone have cared?

"How's Kelly doing," Bob asked as he kissed his wife hello.

"Oh I don't know if I want to talk about that," she sighed as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"Well honey you can't hold everything in. You know I'm here for you if you ever need to talk."

She started to tear up.

"Honey," Bob asked concerned. "What's wrong? Did something happen to your friend?"

"Nothing new. I just …. well, you know how I gave up a child years ago, right?"

"Yes but I don't see how any of that has to do with Kelly. She's clearly not your daughter."

"But you see, she could have been. Maybe not technically, but I could have treated her like she was my daughter. I could have listened to her more, instead of tuning her out. I could have prevented this."

Bob kissed his wife. "Now you listen to me, this wasn't your fault. As far as I see it it was that Howard guy's fault. He's the one who screwed around, who wouldn't commit, who treated her badly. You had no way of knowing what was going through Kelly's mind. You're a good woman, that's why I married you, and I think I get it. You're afraid of me doing to you what Howard did to Kelly.:

"I'd rather not talk about it anymore."

"Honey you don't have anything to worry about. You are the love of my life, even more so than Vance Refrigeration. I would give up everything to make you happy. You don't have to worry. I would never desert you when you needed me the most. I just want to make you as happy as you make me. Remember our wedding day? That was the happiest day of my life, along with getting my permit to open my business. Remember how I had to throw Scott out?" Bob laughed, making his wife laugh along with him. "You'll always be the love of my life. Don't ever forget that."

"Oh Bob, I love you too."

00000

Oscar and Toby stopped by the hospital on their way home from work. Toby had stopped and picked up flowers for her room, so Oscar gave him a few bucks so that he could sign his name as well.

"Can you believe this, Toby? She's really did a number on herself. I can't believe this."

"It's all my fault," Toby sighed.

Oscar stared at him. |"How could this possibly be your fault? We all knew how much Kelly loves Ryan. She didn't deserve to do this. She is a good person. This is solely between her and Ryan."

Toby sighed. "I knew she was depressed," he confessed. "I told her to take some antidepressants."

"What? Toby you're not a doctor. How could you recommend something like that without thinking of the consequences?"

Toby knew he deserved Oscar's wrath. "I just know that they...they help me feel better sometimes."

"You're on them?"

"Prozac, yes. Been on them for five or six years. I knew Kelly was hurting and I...I just wanted her to feel better too."

"You? I never thought about it. But it makes sense, how you can sit there and tolerate Michael's abuse," Oscar conceded. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I don't have any friends there, you know. Kelly was kind of my only friend. And I wanted to help her. I just thought she'd..."

Oscar put his hand on Toby's shoulder. "It's okay, man. You couldn't have known she'd try something like this."

"I should have known," Toby repeated.

Oscar stared at him. "Did you do something like this? Try to kill yourself?"

"No but I thought about it when I was in Costa Rica. I had an accident, and I was all alone. I had nothing but time on my hands. But the nurses counted out my pills and dealt them to me one at at a time. But if they hadn't, who knows..."

"Wow. Wow. Toby does Michael know about your accident? About your prozac?"

"No and I hope he never finds out."

"He won't hear it from me. Before we visit Kelly, would you like to go out and grab a cup of coffee?"

"You don't have to feel sorry for me." Who really wanted to spend time with him anyways?

"It will be fine. We'll meet at Starbucks around the corner. We can just...chill out," Oscar smiled.

Against his will Toby found himself smiling a little bit too. "I'd...I'd like that."

Oscar knew that if Angela found out he was spending time with Toby she'd start awful rumors about them. But at the moment he didn't care. This whole mess with Kelly was turning out to be a lot more complicated than he'd realized that it would be. Oscar prided himself on being a man who did the right thing. And so it was obvious to him that Toby needed a friend, at least for the moment. What would five bucks and an hour cost him, in the long run?

0000

"So..." Oscar began nervously. He hadn't had much interaction with Toby, and while he didn't have a problem with the guy, he knew Toby wasn't liked much around the office. He did know that he and Kelly would engage in some kind of ball-tossing game, dunderball they called it if he was right, so he suspected Toby must have had some feelings of guilt over Kelly's situation.

"Thanks for joining me. I don't really get out that much," Toby started.

No kidding. "How's your daughter?"

"She's fine. She kind of prefers her new stepfather to me but I guess who wouldn't, right?"

"Now I'm sure that's not true. Kids love their parents unconditionally."

"You're just saying that."

There was an uncomfortable silence. "So, are you going to go see Kelly after our coffee?"

"I don't know what good I would do,"

Oscar sighed. It was going to be a long conversation. "I think Kelly would love it if you went to see her. I'm going to go see her. I hate to think of her all alone in that hospital room."

"Do you suppose Ryan is there?"

Oscar thought about it for a minute. "If he isn't, he ought to be. If I were him I'd be there every second. You're from HR, can't you give him some time off?"

"He would have to request it and so far I really haven't heard from him..."

"I'm just going to come out and say it." Oscar looked at the camera. "Ryan is an ass. If that were my partner in there I'd be doing everything in my power to make sure he got better. Yes, I said it, he, I'm gay. No surprise. But still, I think Ryan owes it to her to be with her at this moment."

"I agree."

"Toby, you're one of her friends at the office. Tell me, had you noticed anything different about her? Surely you should have if you recommended that she see a professional."

"Well she was quiet...quiet can be kind of nice sometimes."

"Not if you're Kelly Kapoor. What other signs did you see?"

"Well sometimes I saw her crying after visiting with Ryan. She didn't know I saw her, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. But they both signed off on the office romance policy so I didn't really feel it was my place to judge her or anything."

"Oh, Toby. Maybe a kind word, maybe letting her know she deserved better, anything might have prevented this. Not that I'm blaming you. There's plenty of blame to go around. I know that she didn't have her America's Got Talent party this year. That should have clued me in to the fact that something was wrong. She was rather abrubt with some of our clients, honestly I had no idea anything was bothering her. I just assumed she and Ryan had gotten into another lover's quarrel and let it go. Maybe I should have been the one to say something. Maybe she would have listened to me."

"Do you really...do you really she would have talked to anyone? I have an open door policy and she didn't come to me."

Oscar sighed. Toby could be so clueless sometimes. "I don't think she wanted the guy fired. She just wanted him to love her. And when she finally realized that he didn't, well, we all know how that turned out."

"Have you ever been in love, Oscar?"

He looked startled. "Of course. I loved my last partner, Gill, very much. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way about me, and so we parted ways."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt like a total jerk. I felt used, humiliated, angry. Not enough to want to hurt him or anyone, but I guess I can sort of see Kelly's point of view. Her whole identity was wrapped up in being loved, and finally something just snapped. What it was, we may never know. But my point is that we owe it to Kelly to support her. I don't think firing Ryan is the answer. Violence certainly isn't, I just hope Michael can keep his feelings in check when it comes to Ryan."

"What do you mean, his feelings about Ryan?"

"Come on, Toby. We all know that Ryan is his favorite, his golden boy. And for his boy to take such a fall, well, that may not just damage Kelly but Michael as well."

"Do you think Michael's suicidal?"

"He said it in the conference room that he has been in the past. I think we should not only be watching Ryan, but Michael as well. That's just my two cents."

Toby stood up and half smiled. "Thank you, Oscar. This has been very helpful. I'll see you at the hospital?"

Oscar nodded, took a last sip of his flavored coffee, then made his way to the parking lot, where who knew what awaited them.

00000

Everyone had left for the day, except for Angela and Dwight who were both finishing up their work. Angela surprised Dwight by approaching him and giving him a firm kiss on the lips.

"What was that for?" he smiled.

"For being you," she responded before turning around to leave. Dwight knew exactly what she meant. He knew she needed a strong man, a provider, a mature man, and only he could provide her with the stability that she so desired in a man. Theirs was a unique relationship, and she didn't often show affection, but when she did, it meant a lot to him. He realized he wasn't the warm and fuzzy feelings kind of guy. He didn't inspire the laughter and hugs and kisses that say, Jim or Michael might. But he was of a different stock than they were. He supposed that is why his and Angela's relationship worked. He was solid as a rock, and she knew she could depend on him.

And likewise he could depend on her. He knew there was no way he'd ever walk into Angela's house and find her the way Michael, Jim and Ryan had Kelly. Unless of course, the Scranton Strangler turned to cats and did away with all of her feline companions. But even then, Angela was tough, she was a survivor. He knew he would never find another woman like her. And for that, he was eternally grateful.


	8. Chapter 8

When Oscar and Toby arrived at the hospital, they found an empty room except for Kelly. Of course, everyone had left for the night, including Ryan. Toby was a little disappointed. He knew that he wasn't strong enough to stand up to Ryan but Oscar might be. So this intervention of Ryan would just have to wait until Monday.

Oscar approached her first. "She seems so peaceful, as if she's just sleeping."

"You said in the office you believed people could sense when someone was in their room- do you really believe that?" Toby asked as he stared at Kelly curiously.

"I do. I'm sure she knows we're here and she will be grateful for it when she wakes up. Would you like a minute alone with her?"

Toby didn't say anything, so Oscar decided to step out of the room for a minute.

Toby didn't know what to say to Kelly. He knew that this was all of his fault. If he hadn't signed off on their office romance policy, if he had had the guts to warn Kelly, or if he had even had the guts to ask Kelly out himself, none of this would have happened. Then he started to think of how easily this could have been him. After his wife left him, taking Sasha with him, then he too might have been in this predictament, if only he hadn't been such a coward. Now his friend, who had always been the nicest to him out of everyone in his life, was in trouble, and there wasn't anything he could do to save her.

He sat beside her and just watched her breathe. At least that meant she was alive and fighting, so he took it as a good sign. The depression in the room was contagious. Toby started to hate himself, and so he looked down at the floor, at the machines that were keeping her alive, before he started to look at her.

She was a beautiful woman. He would have given anything to be on the receiving end of her kind of love. But that was not his lot in life. He was meant to walk the earth alone, and he kind of understood why Kelly did what she did. Thankfully she would be okay, but he was the last person in the world who would judge her. She was amazingly funny, shining, and happy, but she hadn't been for a long time. He thought that he was helping her by recommending his doctor, but he had no idea of what the turnout would be. If only he had stopped interfering with other's lives, then maybe nothing like this would happen again

But he was the HR department at Scranton. Wasn't it his job to know when his coworkers were in trouble? He'd seen Kelly, heard Kelly, cry over Ryan hundreds of times, but yet had no idea how to comfort her. Maybe he was in the wrong line of work. He knew all the crisis numbers, knew the suicide prevention hotline by heart, and yet he still hadn't known Kelly would do something like this.

He got up, kissed her on the cheek, something he never would have dared to do when she was awake, then made his way out the door. He would see her over the weekend. Oh that's right, it was his turn to have Sasha. Maybe on Monday.

0000

Oscar sat by her bedside, trying to analyze the situation. Ryan had broken her heart, that much was clear. But if this could happen to her, could it have happened to him? He remembered all too well when he found out that Gill had been cheating on him. He felt like a fool. And of course he remembered Andy's rage at discovering that Angela had been cheating on him. None of them had tried anything like this. Why Kelly? Why her, why now? Oscar prided himself on being a practical man, but even he started to feel lonely due to the situation. What if he never found his other half? Dating was hard enough in Scranton as it was, let alone being a gay man trying to date there. He'd thought about moving to New York or California where he would have had more options, but he hesitated to leave a job in this economy. It wasn't the greatest job in the world, and his coworkers irritated him more often than not, but to give up security for a whimsical thought- that just wasn't him.

He wished he knew someone that he could have set Kelly up with, but all of his friends were gay. Would that have been any worse than her going out with Ryan? He laughed to himself before facing the camera with a serious look.

"suicide is no laughing matter. When someone puts their lives in the hands of a medication or someone else that is a danger sign that should never be ignored. I guess all of this has taught us at Scranton that we don't really know our coworkers as well as we thought we did. I used to think it was a good thing I didn't really know my coworkers. I mean, I wouldn't invite them to my house or anything. But for us to have missed the signs that Kelly was in trouble? I guess we are all to blame for this. Never mind. Can you erase that?"

He turned to look at Kelly once more. He grabbed her hand. "Kelly, if you can hear me, it's Oscar. I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We all care about you very much. I'll be back sometime this weekend. If you wake up and need anything give me a call."

He bowed his head for a minute then said a prayer in Spanish, then finally turned to leave. Kelly would be alone that night, but for the rest of the Scranton coworkers, they would all be very much alone that night in their own way.

0000

"Holly? Holly Flax? It's me, Michael Scott. If you're there please pick up. I really, really need to talk to you. Something has happened at our branch and I'm not just making this up this time. Please call me back."

As Michael hung up the phone he knew there was only one person who could make him feel better at the moment. But she was probably lying in bed with A.J., leaving him all alone with his thoughts.

\

What were his thoughts, exactly? He hated death and hated the thought of dying all alone even more. Everyone seemed to be gathering around Kelly. But what if that were him? What if no one came to his hospital bedside, or even his rescue? Would they even notice he was gone?

He sighed as he slipped on his pajamas. He had never imagined a day like this would ever happen. What did he know about Kelly, anyways? She was Indian, and seemed to be a bit sensitive about it. He recalled the day that he had been using an Indian voice and she slapped him firmly across the cheek. Lesson number one, don't make fun of Indians around Kelly.

Lesson number two- Ryan wasn't perfect. That was even harder for him to put his mind around. Ryan was the golden boy, who could do no wrong, and yet he wasn't even acting like this was affecting him much. He had cried in the hospital, true, but he wouldn't really open up to Michael, who prided himself on being a people person. If he couldn't get Ryan to open up, what good was he as a manager, anyways?

Just then he heard a\ knock on his door. Had Holly heard his call and drove all the way from Nashua to come to his rescue?

No, to his surprise it was Ryan, who looked extremely tired and disheavled.

"Ryan... come in. Do you need a place to stay? You can sleep in my bed. I have a queen size bed you know."

Ryan thought about turning around. "I thought about taking the couch if you don't mind."

"Yes, that's an even better thought. Let me grab some pillows and blankets. Then I can make us some hot chocolate. I have Swiss Miss... she's the one woman who never lets me down," Michael smiled.

Ryan was too tired to protest. It had been one of the longest days of his life, and for some reason he just didn't feel like being alone. If Michael were to lecture him, then he would turn around and walk around looking for shelter (He knew he was in no frame of mind to drive) but as it was, Michael was being all hospitable, so he decided to take him up on his offer.

"Want to watch tv?" Michael asked, bringing him the cup of coffee.

"I brought some cd's, can we listen to them?"

"Sure." He looked through the selection. "Madonna, early 80's, Beyonce, wow, Ryan I had no idea."

"Can we just listen to Beyonce? I think it would help me feel close to her..."

Michael understood, He had some cd's that made him think of Holly, so he would play them every once in a while.

Michael started bopping his head and tapping his feet. Ryan stared at him as he got up to start dancing. Before long Ryan actually found himself laughing at his boss.

"You're right, Ryan, this was a really cool idea."

Just then the phone rang. Michael turned down the music and picked it up. It was Holly.

"I'll just take this in the other room," he mouthed to Ryan, who turned down the music and flipped on the tv.

Not much was on and he really wasn't a sports kind of guy. So he wound up turning it to some night time soap. The kind Kelly would have loved. Mindless entertainment, but he had to admit that he missed watching them with Kelly. Truth be told, there were a lot of things about Kelly that he was beginning to miss.

Her laugher. He would give anything if he could her her laugh at the moment. He never told her but that was one of the things he loved most about her. He loved the way she lit up the room with her chatter and her smile, and it had always made him feel better about himself knowing she was smiling because of him. He didn't understand it, but it made him feel good to be the center of someone's universe. He didn't know why he hadn't appreciate it, but if she woke up things would be different. He would make sure of it.

What would he do differently once she woke up? Would he do anything differently if he could? He knew what he should do- treat her like a princess. That was the least she deserved. Ryan knew she deserved so much better than him, but for some reason, she loved him, so he would try harder. He knew he had to. The whole office was watching his reactions, and he hated living under a microscope. But Kelly was special, that much he knew, and he would do things differently. But first he had to take a closer look at himself and what had brought them to this point. Introspect wasn't his strong suit, but for tonight, he had a friend in Michael Scott, and that was good enough for him. Tomorrow he would wake up, stronger for having lived through what he lived through, and then he could begin the changes that he needed to make. It would be a long road ahead for Kelly, for him, and for the two of them, but they would make it. They had to. His whole life depended on it. Kelly Kapoor loved him, and he had thrown it away, but no more. Starting tomorrow he would show Kelly how much she meant to him. But it was going to be a long, long night.


	9. Chapter 9

Ryan went to Kelly's room first thing in the morning, and nothing had changed. Not that he had expected it to. She looked so peaceful, so unaware of everything that had been going on. She looked like she was just sleeping, and he usually liked to watch her sleep. When she was sleeping there was no talking, no laughter, no pressure. He just liked to watch her at her at her quietest, because that meant he didn't have to be someone that she wanted him to be, someone that he didn't know he could be. He never found her so beautiful as he did when she was asleep. He knew he should have told her that- there were so many things he never told her, and he was beginning to wonder if he would ever get his chance.

He knew he had blown it big time. If and when she woke up she might never forgive him for doing this to her. As it was he could never forgive her for doing this to her himself. His dirty little secret was about to be revealed to the entire office- that he didn't like himself very much. All of his life he had gotten by with his looks, but underneath his pretty boy face what was there? Someone who fucked up everything he had ever touched, including this relationship with Kelly. He had never stopped before to realize that there would be repercussions for his actions, but this was his wake up call. Someone could have died because of him, and that by far was the worst thing he'd ever done.

So why did he do it? Why didn't he tell Kelly he loved her? Did he love her? Sometimes, once in awhile when she wasn't doing anything but working he wanted to tell her he loved her. That was when she wasn't trying so hard to please him. That was the natural Kelly , the one he liked best, and it was often tempting to pull her close to him and thank her for everything she had ever done. But no, he was far too selfish to do that. Something had always prevented him from opening his heart to her, and now she had killed his heart even if she hadn't killed herself.

His heart. Where did his heart lie? In the past it had been with money, adventure, travel, seeking opportunities- anywhere but with her. But seeing her in this new light was causing Ryan to reevaluate his entire life. She was a beauty, but in seeing how she had chopped off her hair, he realized that she no longer considered herself a beauty. Even with her face a mascaraed mess and lying on the floor lifeless he had begun to see how beautiful she really was. The question everyone had for him was, why hadn't he told her that?

Why hadn't he shown her how beautiful she was? He figured she would know she was beautiful if they had sex, but that apparantly hadn't told her anything. He'd been with plenty of girls, but still he kept going back to Kelly. Why was that? If he hadn't loved her why hadn't he put a stop to it before it came to this? He didn't know, and he hated himself for it.

To be or not to be, that was Shakespeare's question. To love Kelly or not to love her, that was Ryan's dilemma. What was it that was preventing him from giving his heart to only one woman. His body, he could share with just about any pretty girl that came along, but his heart, that was a different matter. He was old enough to commit, he'd experienced life, both the good and dark sides of it, and yet he continued to use Kelly and take her for advantage. He didn't know why he was the way he was, and it was driving him crazy.

He was scared to look at her, afraid that she would open her eyes and stare at him. Certainly she didn't love him anymore. She couldn't, not after what he had done to her. Could he live with that? Wasn't that what he really wanted? Didn't he want her to stop chasing him, stop loving him, stop wanting him? Now she wasn't doing any of the above, and it was driving him crazy.

She loved him, for all that he was and all that he wasn't. What kind of crazy love was that? She loved him through his drug years, his felony years, his prison years. She had put money on his books even when his own parents refused to. He had taken her money, her body, her spirit and her heart, and what had he done with them? He used them for his own self gratification. To make himself feel better about who he really was, he walked all over Kelly Kapoor, and there was no excuse in the world for it. True, it was exciting to have someone live for him, but in the end, what had happened? He wasn't there when she needed him the most, and for that he wouldn't forgive himself.

There was nothing wrong with Kelly. Any man would be lucky to have her, and he knew it. But she wanted him, and he couldn't deal with it. That kind of love put so much pressure on him, it was as if he was suffocating, and he would sometimes try to break free. But she continued to wait, continued to hope, continued to pray that he would come around. Well he was there for her now, but it was just a little too late.

There was a knock on the door, and he looked up and saw Michael. He was not alone. He was with Holly Flax. What in the world was she doing there, and why was she holding Michael's hand?

"Ryan, how are you?" Holly smiled sympathetically.

"It doesn't matter how I am. It matters how Kelly is, and she's not doing so great, obviously."

"It does matter how you are doing. It can't be easy to be you at this moment. I don't know if I could do it."

"Where's A.J.?" Ryan tried to deflect the attention from himself, even though he knew it would hurt Michael. He was hurting, so he might as well make everyone else hurt also.

"He's back in Nashua. Michael's my friend, and he was worried about you. So I came to see how things were going. I wanted to let you know that I care, Ryan." Holly placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder, which he shrugged away.

"Don't treat her like that," Michael ordered. "Out of the goodness of her heart, she came here to be with our family in our time of need, and just because you've been an ass to Kelly doesn't mean I'm going to let you be one to Holly."

"Michael," Holly said softly. "It's okay. I understand."

"No, you don't. Ryan isn't a good guy. He's a murderer. That's right, I said what we're all thinking. He's a murderer in my eyes. He killed Kelly's spirit and possibly her body. I'm with Ryan. Why are you here? He's done nothing but lie and steal and rape and kill..."

"Michael, Ryan's not a thief or a rapist or a killer. He's only human. Sometimes you fight yourself when you find yourself having feelings for someone. Loving someone is one of the scariest feelings a person can feel. It changes the world, at least it changes your world, and sometimes you're not ready to give away all of your power to another person. Love takes time. Believe me, I know."

Michael assumed she was talking about A.J. And left the room, but Ryan knew who she was really talking about.

"Do you love him?" Ryan asked bitterly as soon as Michael was out of earshot.

"Who, A.J.? Of course I love him. He's my boyfriend."

"No, I mean Michael. It's obvious he loves you. He loves you the way Kelly loved me. All that stuff about love- you were talking about you and Michael, weren't you?"

Holly's face turned red. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know it and I know it that Michael loves you. He only loves you. You say you love someone else and it's killing Michael but he's waiting for you. He believes in true love, the way Kelly does. The only difference is it's not him lying here, it's Kelly. I'm not one to give advice, not that anyone would listen, but I think you should listen to yourself before lecturing anyone about love," Ryan finished.

"He really does love me, doesn't he?" Holly replied quietly.

"He feels this connection with you that he's never felt with anyone before. I think Michael's a pretty lonely guy. He tries too hard to be funny, to make friends, and it never works out for him. He tries too hard to win you over, and that hasn't worked out for him either. It's kind of like Kelly. She tried too hard to make me love her and guess what? That scared me away. I may or may not get a second chance with Kelly, but you have a second chance with Michael, right in front of your very eyes. Don't let Michael become a Kelly, Holly." With that, Ryan turned around to softly stroke Kelly's hair out of her eyes.

Holly couldn't believe what she had heard. Was it possible that she loved Michael, not A.J, and that she was just scared of her feelings for him? She'd never stopped to think about it before, but it kind of made sense. Michael declared his feelings of love for her almost from the start, that's why she ran to A.J. But even with A.J. She never felt what she did when she was with Michael. She expected too many things from her boyfriend, apparantly she was expecting him to be Michael Scott. Wow, she thought. She needed a bit of fresh air to gather her thoughts.

She went outside and found a park bench to sit on. Was Ryan right? Was she scared of loving Michael, someone who loved her so much? She sure didn't want to be a Ryan. She didn't want to be the one who pushed another human being over the edge. This was almost too much for her. She began to hyperventilate, when Michael came along and pushed her hair aside to allow her space to breathe.

Without saying another word, Michael took her hand and they sat quietly in silence. Something had changed, even Michael could sense it, but he was scared to put into words what they were both feeling. Maybe Ryan was right. Something could be said about silence. All Michael knew was that Holly had come to him when he needed someone the most, and here she was holding his hand. They had something special, but he was afraid to jinx it. He didn't want to be a Kelly and force his will on someone who resisted. His method was to wait and be patient and love from afar, and for the first time in his life he believed that luck and love might be on his side.

The thought popped in his mind, what if Holly did love him? Then what would happen? His whole world as he knew it would change. He would get what he wanted, just as he did with the regional manager position, by being patient and waiting and hoping and believing the best in people. He wasn't a smart man, but he knew enough to know that people understimated him, and that the best things in life were worth waiting for. Maybe that's why this whole thing with Kelly had shaken him to the core. If it wasn't in the cards for Ryan and Kelly, what did that mean for himself and Holly? That love didn't mean anything, that it could be tossed around so casually without meaning the same thing for two people. He didn't want that. He wanted love, real love, the way Kelly did, so maybe that was why he was rooting for her so much. He was angry with Ryan, but he was also watching him closely. Maybe a miracle could happen and Ryan would realize that he did love Kelly after all. That would be a good thing. That would mean the same could happen for him and Holly, and that's all he ever wanted. That wasn't too much to ask for, was it?


	10. Chapter 10

Angela woke up that morning blissfully by Dwight's side. It wasn't often that she spent the night with him, but on that Friday night she felt the need to be surrounded by strength. And that's what Dwight was to her. He was her tower of strength amongst all the craziness of life, and she knew she could never duplicate what it was she found with him. He wasn't like all of her other coworkers. He was strong and mature and tough and could stand up and fight for what he believed in. He wasn't a hypocrite like the rest of them. Even in her darkest hour he was there to be the beacon of hope that she needed, even though she would never admit that to anyone.

She hated her job. She did it well, but it was her coworkers who drove her crazy, especially Pam and Jim. They thought they were so clever picking on Dwight but thankfully he gave as good as he got, and didn't crumble under pressure. They were just so...cutesy. She needed order and a time and a place for everything. True, she and Dwight had made love at the office, but that was after hours, when no one needed them or missed them or wanted them. She and Dwight were much more than coworkers. She dared even to tell him that she loved him once. He was the only man she ever said those words to. She told her cats every day how much she loved them, but never a man. Not even Andy. At first she respected Andy's drive, but it became a little too much for her. His nonstop talk about Cornell bored her out of her mind. But everything was so fascinating about Dwight. His farm, his drive to be the best he could, his strength, his own interests. Jim and Pam had little interests outside of each other, but not her and Dwight. She had her cats, he had his beets. Together they made interesting conversation, whereas she had no idea what Jim and Pam would talk about outside of the office. Probably the office, she figured. That wasn't how she wanted to live her life.

It was true that Dwight wasn't the most attractive of men, she had to admit to herself. But his confidence gave him an air of respect that she loved about him. She loved a confident man. Andy had appeared to be confident when she first agreed to date him, but the more she got to know him the less respect she had for him. He was angry, and emotionally needy, where she and Dwight could go weeks without talking. There was not much need for communication between the two of them, for they understood each other and their needs so well. When something was wrong with one of her cats, Dwight sensed it, and would be there for her. When Jim humiliated Dwight at work, which was practically every day, Dwight would know that no matter what had happened between them, and felt secure in that knowledge.

This whole mess with Kelly was crazy. It shouldn't have impacted her, but it was. Kelly was Indian- she probably believed in a hundred gods. So why should she care what happened to her? It wasn't as if Kelly were her friend or anything. But what she could relate to was the love for a good man, not that Ryan was a good man. If Angela didn't have Dwight all she would have were her cats, not that there was anything wrong with that. But a little love never hurt anyone. She'd surprised herself by falling for Dwight K. Shrute. She'd always thought that she would never need anyone, but the closer they became the more that she realized that she needed Dwight. With all of his craziness, he could provide the sanity that her job required her to have. Oscar was gay- a sinner. Kevin was an idiot. Michael was an idiot. Phyliss was sanctimonious, and flaunted her marriage in an unfeminine way. The thought of her and Bob together literally made her sick. Toby was a moron and she had no use for him. Erin was alright, but she had taken Andy's affections away from her, so that automatically meant she hated Erin. Yes, she was surrounded by idiots, and Dwight was her safe harbor.

She had honestly thought that she would never be able to love another human being. She had her cats. Yes, her cats were mischeivious and got into trouble, but they never let her down, not the way humans did. Dwight wasn't perfect- he had killed Sprinkles, but soon she was able to forgive him and give herself to him once again. She would do anything Dwight asked of her, and fortunately for her he never asked her to be anything less than what she was.

Dwight was awake and was well aware that Angela was watching him. He understood the appeal. He was a man's man, a provider, and that was him to a tee. He could ensure Angela's safety during any crisis. Why Kelly chose to love Ryan, a weakling, was beyond his understanding. Ryan would never do any woman any good. He hid behind his image and what people thought of him, while Dwight could care less of what most people thought of him. He valued Michael's opinion of him, even though he didn't totally respect Michael most of the time. He wanted his approval, so that he could move on in the paper business. He knew he went out on a limb for Michael time and time again, and was never appreciated, but still, one day, when it counted, Michael would need him, and then they would see who was truly in the driver's seat.

What Dwight did know was that he was a lucky man. Angela loved him, not Andy Bernard, not anyone else. She picked him above any man she could have wanted. It was no wonder. She saw him for who he was, and wasn't juvinile the way Pam and Jim were. Sometimes he admitted to himself that he was a little envious of Jim, for he had a wife who openly displayed her affection for him. But he would rather die than admit that to anyone, especially Jim. Dwight and Angela had their arrangement, and that worked for him for the time being. But there would be a day when Dwight Shrute would need a wife, and he just hoped that Angela would be that woman.

For behind every great man stood a good woman, and he knew without a doubt that Angela was that good woman. He'd had a ring that he'd been hiding in his drawer for months, but could never find the opportunity to ask her to become his wife. It was a simple ring, a band, nothing flashy, but he knew Angela didn't like flash. If she did she never would have picked him. As he turned around to face Angela, he smiled with inspiration.

"Good morning, Angela," he said politely. "I trust that you slept well."

"good morning to you as well, Dwight. Yes, I slept quite soundly, as a matter of fact."

"So what you are saying is that you woke up this morning with a sound mind and sound wit about you," he led her on.

"Yes, you could say that."

"In that case," he stood up and reached in his drawer. "I have a proposition for you."

Angela gasped. This was it? This was the moment she had waited her whole life for? Dwight in his underwear and tee shirt and them lying in bed together?

"Angela, as you are aware, I have a fondness for you that has been growing for some time. In fact, some may call it more than fondness. I am lucky. For in you I have found a woman who needs no labels, who knows me and trusts me. I have decided that right now, right here, is the proper time to ask you this question- Angela, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Angela tried not to tear up, she knew how he hated displays of emotion. But she was finally getting what she wanted- a real engagement to a real man. There was no doubt what her answer would be.

"Dwight I would be honored to become your wife," she grinned in spite of herself, and held out her hand for him to place the band on. It fit perfectly, as Dwight had taken every procaution to make sure that it would.

"Angela, this is a huge undertaking what I am asking of you. It takes a very special woman to become Mrs. Shrute. She needs to be strong and sturdy and made of solid stock. Are you certain you are that woman?"

She nodded.

Then it was so. Dwight and Angela were engaged, while Kelly lay fighting for her life. It bothered neither of them, for they had no pity for her situation. It was her own fault for choosing such an unavailable man, and while they wished no harm to her, they could not let Kelly's unfortunate situation affect their lives. The life which they would now begin together.

As Angela showered she stopped to admire the ring which Dwight had selected for her. It was simple, yet meaningful. He knew her so well. She was so lucky to have him in her life. She knew she was difficult, although she quite often blamed it upon the people around her. He could tolerate her every mood. Even when she was angry with him there was a silent agreement that she would forgive him, in time. She did not need any more duels for a man to prove his love. Dwight loved her and chose her to be his wife. She would be able to retire from the paper company, a fact that she did take in consideration in accepting his proposal. She would no longer be surrounded by fools and idiots and desperate women. She would be in charge of her own life. She would live on a farm where she could have as many cats as she wanted and no one would stop her. She could stop being Angela the bitch and start being Angela, the wife, just the way she wanted it to be.

She didn't care what her coworkers thought. She didn't even care if they found out about the engagement. As she dressed it suddenly occurred to her that they might incur the wrath of their coworkers should they find out about their engagement. So she took her ring and put it through a chain that Dwight had once given her. That should not cause any suspicion, and she could carry her proof of Dwight's love with her everywhere she went. Problem solved.

Once she explained that to Dwight, he was only too happy to go along with it. He did not want the jealousy of his coworkers to interfere with his job duties. He could only imagine what Jim might say, and the last thing he needed was for that buffoon to make a mockery of the most important occasion of his life. Yes, Angela was a wise and steady woman, and for that he would always be thankful.

"Angela Shrute," he called out as he prepared breakfast. She smiled and nodded in response.

"I believe that you we have made ourselves an excellent decision. You are Shrute material, and I shall help you bear the ten Shrute boys it will take to run our farm."

"Our farm?"

"Yes, most certainly once we are married the farm shall be ours. My only concern is that you do not have traditional childbearing hips. Perhaps that will change after the first two or three."

Angela nodded. She knew she was a small woman, but that shouldn't prevent her from bearing children. Just talking about having children with Dwight excited her greatly.

"It will be an honor to bear your children," she smirked.

"And it would be an honor to have you bear my children. Shall we start now?"

"No Dwight. Not until after the wedding. It wouldn't be proper. I don't want a Niagra Falls kind of deal," Angela corrected him, referring to Pam's unplanned pregnancy.

"As you wish. As for the time being, breakfast is ready, and it would be an honor to serve you."

"I accept." And at that moment neither of them could wait for their life together to begin.


	11. Chapter 11

Andy drove over to Erin's first thing in the morning. He wasn 't quite sure what to say, but he knew that she needed him more than ever. If anything, he could be sympathetic to her feelings about Kelly. He didn't really know Kelly that well, but he knew that Ryan was a douche bag, and for that he was angry. He wanted to do something, anything, that would help, and he decided that comforting Erin was the best thing he could do in that situation.

"Andy, what are you doing here?" Erin answered the door, still in her pajamas.

"I guess I just wanted to see how you were doing. I've been worried about you."

"No offense Andy but it's Kelly we should all be worried about."

"Can I come in? I brought us some cuppocino. I hope you like it."

She smiled weakly. "My house is a mess."

"I don't care about that. I care about you. I wanted to make sure you were all right. I know Kelly's your best friend and I hate knowing there's nothing I can do. Can I please come in, these cups are kind of burning my hands."

Reluctantly she opened the door. "Thanks. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. No one's ever bought me coffee before. Usually I'm the one getting the coffee. All in the day's work for a receptionist I suppose," she smiled.

"Is that all you see yourself? As a receptionst?"

"Well aren't I?"

Andy took a deep breath. "You're also the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I have ever known. I know I blew my chance with you but I just had to tell you- I've never gotten over you. Have you been crying?" He took around and looked at tissues thrown about the floor.

"I'm just waiting for visiting hours. Yes I guess I have been crying. All of this stuff with Kelly has made me do a lot of thinking."

"Have you been thinking about me? About us?"

"What do you want from me, Andy? Sometimes I swear you love me but you always pull back. Yes I know that I got mad about you not telling me about Angela. I'm not perfect. I'm a bit insecure, I don't always believe the best in people, but I believe in true love. That's why Kelly and I got along so well. I believe that if two people are meant to be together than nothing should hold them apart. They always find their way back to each other, even if there are obstacles in the way. It just seems if we would have found love with each other we would have done it by now. I'm tired, Andy. I'm tired of not being loved and not being wanted and by getting my heart broke every time I see you with another woman. I kind of guess I wished you wouldn't have given up on me, that you would have fought for me the way you did Angela.."

"Is there another man? I will challenge him to a duel for you, if that's what you want."

Frustrated, she began to tug at her hair and let out a scream, scaring Andy a bit in the process. "No I don't want a duel. I don't want you fighting about me. I want you fighting for me. There's a difference. I love you, Andy. I always have. I just didn't like being made a fool of in front of everyone."

"There's where we are alike. I'm not afraid to fight for the woman I love. It's just I tried it once with you and it didn't work. Remember the secretary's day I threw for you? That didn't turn out so well so I guess you stopped caring about me. I don't want to go where I'm not wanted."

"But haven't you seen that it's been you I want? I don't want any other man. I care about you, Andy. I love that you went to Cornell. I love that you were in Here Comes Treble. I love that you lose your temper sometimes, even if it's not about the right thing. When you defended Ryan, I didn't understand that because I want you to hate him the way I do. He's a meanie, a big jerk, and I don't care if I ever see him again. I wanted you to feel that way about him. When you defended him I guess I took it as a sign that we weren't meant to be."

Andy pulled Erin close to him. "I wasn't defending what he did. I called him a douche bag if you remember right."

"Oh so that's what d bag meant."

"Yes. Yes! I think what he did to Kelly is dispicable and I could never live with myself if I ever treated a girl so poorly."

"But don't you see," Erin, tears falling down her face, "That is what you have been doing to me. You don't want me but you don't want others to have me. I have a right to be happy...damn it!"

That shocked Andy, for he had never heard Erin cussed. It was wrong but it kind of turned him on.

"That's not true. I love you and I want you. It's always been you. I've never felt like this about anyone."

"Not even Angela?" Erin challenged.

"Not even Angela," Andy reassured her. "I was living a lie, chasing a dream, getting caught up in my own wants that I didn't bother to get to know her, to know if I really liked her. As it turned out, I hate her stinking guts. But with you, I've gotten to know you, I like what I see and I really want to get to know more about you. Where you come from. Who your favorite singers are. What your favorite colors are. What your favorite movies are. I want to know you, Erin, not just because I want something from you but I want you. I want you."

"You want to know more about me? My favorite movie is Annie. Not the remake, the Aileen Quinn version. I know every song to that movie by heart. It always gave me hope that someday I would be rescued, that someone would call me their baby."

"You'll always be my baby," Andy whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"You're just saying that because I told you to say it," Erin accused.

"No I'm not! I care about you and I love you and I want to be with you. What more do you want from me?"

"Will you go with me to see Kelly?"

"Do you really think I'd let you go by yourself?"

Erin smiled. "Let me get dressed. Oh we should probably warm up those coffees. They are probably cold by now."

"No problem. I like cold coffee." He drank it down fast, making a face in the process. He made Erin laugh, just as he always had.

0000

When they got there they found they weren't the first ones there. Ryan was in there, sitting by her bedside, and Erin and Andy looked at each other.

"How is she?" Andy finally spoke up.

"No change. She could be like this for a while."

"I'm surprised you're here," Erin stated flatly.

"I know. Everyone is. Even the nurses. But I really want you to know that I never meant for this to happen."

"Then how could you let it happen? Everyone knew how crazy Kelly was about you. Apparantly you didn't get the memo," Andy said angrily. "You played her for the fool. Do you have any idea what that's like?"

He didn't, but he had a feeling he was going to find out.

"You feel like your whole world is crashing in. You wonder what your purpose is, other than to be someone's plaything. You hand someone your heart and they walk all over it and you begin to doubt yourself. You wonder what the point of life is if you can't have the one you love," Andy stared at Ryan. Erin took his hand.

"I never thought about it. I just thought we were having fun. I thought she knew that."

"Dude, how could you not know Kelly was all about you? I knew that and I don't even know her, except for what Erin tells me about her. I know she used to be happy and funny and a great person to be around. Somewhere around the way she lost herself-in you, and she changed. She became, well, Toby. Do you really want to date Toby?"

Ryan made a face. "I had no idea she felt that way about me. I mean I knew she loved me but why doesn't anyone listen to me? There were two of us in that relationship you know."

"That's funny," Erin spoke up, " because you acted like there was only one person, and you know who that person was. It was you." She looked at Andy. "I was talking about him."

"I know you were," Andy tugged on her hand. "She's right you know. I've learned from personal experience that you can't have just one person in a relationship. So maybe you got lucky. Maybe you caught a break. Maybe this is the time out you've been too afraid to ask for. So if I were you I'd get some help, talk to someone, do something, do anything than what you've been doing."

Ryan nodded. But what he didn't want to tell them that there was only one person who would understand him, and she wasn't exactly available to listen. More than anything he missed the times she would pry information from him, trying to figure him out. She was good at that, and she never made him feel bad about himself the way everyone else was. It was scary to think that he might never have that kind of relationship again.

"Ryan, are you paying attention? This was Kelly's cry for help! This was her way of saying she can't go on being played, being unloved. It's up to you what to do to help her," Andy declared.

Ryan protested. "I think you are all putting all your shit on me. I think you see in me what you don't want to see in yourselves. You Andy have been too scared to let Erin know how you feel about her, that's why you see that in me. Erin, you just want to be loved, but are too scared to know how to get it. Well maybe that's me, have you ever stopped and thought about that? Maybe I don't know how to be loved, so I can't show it. So maybe the three of us aren't as different as you'd all like to think."

Erin let go of Andy's hand and reached out for Ryan's. "Tell us. Tell us who you are. Maybe we do care and want to know who you are instead of the meanie who broke Kelly's heart. Help us understand you."

"You want to understand me? I'll tell you what. I've been a temp for years at a paper company. A paper company! I was once the youngest executive that Dunder Mifflin ever had but I screwed up. I screwed other women. Yet Kelly came to see me in prison. She was the only one in our company to do so. Did Michael come and see me, for all he talks about us being family? No. All I had was Kelly. My parents were so ashamed of me they wouldn't bail me out. So I spent months in prison, the only thing I had to look forward to was watching Kelly sasshay into the building looking like a million bucks, driving me crazy knowing I couldn't have her. I was all alone, and only Kelly cared. You all accuse me of being an asshole. I admit- I am an asshole. I wanted Kelly when there was something in it for me, but when she needed me, I was never there for her. Do you really think I'm so proud of myself at the moment?"

"Dude if you're looking for sympathy you're barking up the wrong tree. You've been given a million chances and you've blown them all. Now you've almost lost the best thing to happen to you. You know what..."

For a minute Ryan thought Andy was going to deck him.

"You know what Ryan? I must thank you. Because you've taught me to value what's important in life. I know I can be all about status and material things. But if that were Erin lying there, I'd trade everything just for a second chance to be with her. Erin means the world to me and there won't be another day that goes by that I won't show it to her."

He kissed her, while Ryan watched sadly. Everything everyone was saying to him was true. He didn't deserve Kelly, but she loved him, and for that he wondered why.


	12. Chapter 12

"Have I ever thought about hurting myself? You betcha. There was the time I shot myself in the foot to get out of the draft, thus my having four toes on one foot. Wanna see?" The camera quickly turned away from Creed.

0000

Holly had stayed awake all night thinking about things. The state of affairs with her relationship with A.J., and more importantly, her relationship with Michael. Things had definitely taken a turn the previous day, even if she didn't want to admit it. This whole Kelly mess had changed the game. She knew how much Michael loved her, even if she hadn't wanted to admit it to herself. But why hadn't she wanted to deal with those feelings? Love was the most powerful force in the world, and Ryan was right. It was hard to deal with someone who loved you unconditionally. Who would have thought that anything that that...that...jerk would have gotten through to her? He was the enemy, but he was also a very bright boy. He saw things probably that most people wouldn't have noticed, like her attraction to Michael. There, she said it. She was attracted to Michael. That wasn't so bad, was it? But what did it mean? Did it mean she loved him too, or that there was a physical connection that was honestly lacking in her relationship with her boyfriend. Did she want Michael as a rebound, or was A.J. The rebound? It was all so confusing. Was it possible she was using Michael the way Ryan had been Kelly?

It was so easy to hate Ryan, when clearly he was the bad guy in all of this mess. But if she was guilty of doing the same he had done, then what did that make her? Was she a villianiss in the story of Michael Scott's life? He loved her, she knew that, but why? They barely knew each other yet he kept insisting they were soul mates. They laughed at the same jokes, they both wore their hearts on their sleeves, they both loved chick flicks. Did that mean they were destined to be together, or was it some kind of karmic coincidence? What did it all mean? She'd stayed up all night trying to put together the pieces of her life, and had come to no conclusion.

She had to admit, seeing how much Michael was capable of loving even an employee scared her. If he loved Kelly so much that he broke down crying all night in her arms, than what did that say about the love he felt for her? Did he love her like he did Kelly, or did he love her love her? What kind of love was that, that was so strong that could withstand any test of time? And did she want any part of it?

She had to admit, she'd always been the one to love more during any of her relationships. So she was comfortable. So what? Maybe it was time to get out of her comfort zone and let herself be pursued for once. What was wrong with that? Would she be the Ryan and just use Michael, or did she honestly have feelings for him? Aggh this was too much to take.

She knew she felt so badly for Kelly Kapoor. She was looking for things from her relationship with AJ that she just wasn't getting, and in her heart she knew she wasn't going to get. The answer was right in front of her- Michael Scott. He would and could provide her with everything she'd ever wanted ever since she was a little girl. So why resist him? That kind of love was overwhelming and scary and it pushed people away. So there she went again, comparing herself to Ryan when it should have been Kelly's side she was on. She knew Michael would be at the hospital soon, so she decided to beat him in order to have a chat with Ryan.

"Ryan, may I speak with you outside for a minute?" she asked politely.

"Am I getting fired?"

"No," she reassured him. "You're not getting fired. These things happen, unfortunately. And you both did sign the HR waiver, so as far as the company goes, you're not going to get fired. I'd really like to take a moment before Michael gets here and get to know you a bit, if that's okay."

Surprised, he followed her to the cafeteria, where they both ordered coffees. "Ryan, I want you to know that I've been doing a lot of thinking. This may not be the popular opinion around the Scranton branch, but I do not hold you accountable for what has happened with Kelly."

He stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"I know, you're probably asking yourself why I say that. But I've been doing a lot of thinking, and what I'm about to share with you I ask that you keep confidential. Can you do that for me, Ryan?"

He nodded.

"I'm kind of in your shoes. I see a little of myself in you. I bet you'd never thought you'd hear those words coming from anyone, especially me," Holly smiled.

"No, I hadn't."

"Well, here's why. It's no secret how Michael feels about me. And to tell you the truth sometimes it makes me feel a little..."

"Uncomfortable?" Ryan answered eagerly.

"Exactly. It's hard to describe, but there's something so …."

"Scary?"

"I was going to say intoxicating, but scary could be used as well," she smiled. "Love is powerful. I've come to learn that you cannot help who you love. Just like you cannot help who you do not love. So it's not your fault you don't love Kelly. You two are just a misfit, just looking for different things in life, just like.."

"You and AJ?"

She looked flustered. "I never said that. This has nothing to do with AJ."

"Come on, Holly. Everyone knows you have a thing for Michael. It's all just a waiting game, at least it is for him."

"Was it a waiting game for Kelly?" Holly snapped defenseively. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it."

"No it's okay. At least you're asking instead of assuming. The truth is I don't know how I feel about Kelly. One minute she drives me crazy the next she's running into my arms and I feel kind of like I did when I was on drugs. Only without the crazy side effects."

"Love is intoxicating," she smiled , not thinking of AJ for once.

"Exactly. And I've been an addict during my relationship with Kelly. I haven't been the healthiest person to get into a relationship with, and yet she loved me. I don't know why she loved me, I don't know what I did to make her love me."

"Why does Michael love me?" Holly asked.

"That's easy. You're his other half."

She was shocked. "Do other people in Scranton feel that way?"

"Yep. Everybody."

"So why is it that I'm the last to know that?"

"Why is that I'm the last to see how wonderful Kelly is to me?"

"Touche. Love is not only blind, it's stupid, crazy, silly, ridiculous, obnoxious, annoying."

Ryan clapped his hands. "You're the first person, especially a female, to admit to such a thing. Love isn't perfect. It isn't necessarily patient or kind. It's waiting for the other to make a move so that you don't get hurt first. It's waiting to see if what you're feeling is real or if it's based on sex or similarities. The way I see it, Michael has it right. It's a waiting game."

Holly grinned.

"You do that every time I mention Michael. You must have it bad for him."

"I don't do anything...what are you talking about?"

"You grin like an idiot whenever I mention his name, then you tuck your hair behind your right ear. You don't even realize you're doing it, but I think I'm right. You belong with Michael," Ryan pronounced confidenly.

"And I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for," Holly said as she stood up to leave. Ryan had given her much to think about, so she went outside for a breath of fresh air before Michael arrived. Once he did, she realized that they would have a lot to talk about.

Ooooo

Once Michael arrived Holly realized that she was looking at him through fresh eyes. He was no longer Michael Scott- regional manager. He was the man who was in love with her, and as she had told Ryan, she was scared. Scared of his feelings. Scared of her feelings. Scared to let someone love her the way she'd always wanted to be loved. If and that was a big if, she were to leave AJ, she needed to know that things with Michael would work out. She craved security, and that was part of the reason she was with AJ. He was safe, predictable even, but there was something comfortable about that. But with Michael all bets were off. She never knew what he was going to say, or do next, and the thought both frightened her and excited her.

He was refreshing from all of the other men she had known. He was honest and he never lied, not when it came to his feelings. He didn't play games with her heart the way the others had. She knew where she stood with him, and she was starting to suspect that she felt the same way. But what about AJ? What about Nashua? What about her job? Was she willing to lose all of that on a whim that might not work out?

For some reason she had a feelings things with Michael might work out. There was no doubt in her mind that he loved her, while with AJ she often wondered if he was holding out for the next best thing. They had a comfortable relationship, but she wanted excitement, a challenge, surprise. She knew that she would find that with Michael. She knew he was too preoccupied with Kelly right now, but when the time was right, she would reveal her feelings to him and let the pieces fall where they might.

She giggled to herself. Who would have thought it would have taken a tragedy for her to realize where her heart lay? She was sorry Kelly had done this, but was grateful for the time with Ryan. She was beginning to see why Michael adored him. True, he wasn't a very nice person, but he was perceptive and smart, and had a way of looking at things that made sense to her.

Wait a minute, she told herself. She was willing to throw away her future based on what a very mean person had said? Ryan wasn't God...who was he to play with other people's lives? Look at what had happened to Kelly. She trusted him with her life, and now here she was in a coma. Maybe she shouldn't put so much stock in Ryan after all. He didn't know the first thing about love, but wasn't that the case about people? They could judge other people's lives even when they couldn't manage their own? This was nuts. This was Michael Scott for crying out loud! He was rude, obnoxious, funny, cute and handsome. There were so many things about him that drove her crazy. But she had to admit she kind of liked that. Yes, she would tell him how she felt about him. Those three little words that Kelly had almost died for, Holly was prepared to say to Michael. The only question was, was he really ready to hear them from her? Maybe his feelings had changed, especially now that she was with AJ. She assumed that he was still in love with her, but maybe he had given up on her. Most men would have by then. But what had Ryan said- everyone knew they were each other's better half? That was a kind of love that she knew she just couldn't find every day, and so today was the day she would let Michael in her world. For better or worse, she loved Michael, and it was about time she told him so.


	13. Chapter 13

Soon Andy, Erin, Holly, Michael, Ryan and Pam were all gathered around Kelly's bedside. Michael didn't say anything to Pam, he just nodded his head out of gratitude for her appearance there. He knew she had a family to take care of, but wasn't Kelly family?

"Jim will be by later," Pam informed them, and they all turned to look at Kelly.

She was looking better; she had more color in her face, possibly due to the fact that Erin had taken the time to apply makeup to her. But still they were all starting to breathe easier. It was apparent that she was going to be okay, it was just a matter of her waking up. And that was half the battle. Once she woke up, she would have to face Ryan, and even more importantly, she would have to face herself, and that was the biggest challenge she would face.

"Ryan, how are you doing?" Pam asked cautiously.

"I'm okay." really, he wasn't, but he wasn't about to let that on to anyone. It was bad enough that Michael had seen him break down, but he wasn't about to let the whole office know that he wasn't as strong as he appeared to be. This was between he and Kelly, and soon he would have to be accountable for his actions. He didn't know how he was going to do that, he just knew that he would. But he would cross that bridge when he got there.

Oscar showed up. "Hey how's she doing?"

"She's going pretty well. The doctors say it will be a matter of days until she wakes up," Michael informed him. "And until then, well, she needs all of us."

"Toby would be here but he has his daughter this weekend."

"That's good because we don't need his kind during this time."

"Michael, don't you think you're being a little mean to Toby?" Holly asked innocently.

"You don't know him the way we all do. He would just drag the whole party down, and that's the last thing we need."

"This isn't a party, Michael," Andy spoke up.

"I know that. I know that! I'm just saying people who don't belong somewhere shouldn't go where they're not wanted."

Holly sighed then took Michael's hand. It was a gesture so small, so innocent, that only Pam noticed it. But she did notice.

"I think she will be happy for anyone who shows up," Pam added.

"Even Toby? You think she would want the evil snail showing up at her bedside? For all we know he's an angel all right- an angel of death."

"Please don't speak of death around Kelly," Pam ordered gently but firmly.

"Why not? What are we all afraid of? Everyone dies at some point. Kelly might wake up and then die two minutes later like the guy from the news. We don't know that."

"Michael, you're really not helping things," Holly whispered. "It's best we speak positively and think the best. She's going to be okay."

Michael turned to the group. "You see, this is the kind of person we need in this room. Not Toby Flenderson. We need someone who will cheer us up with a song, how about it Holly? Why don't you sing to Kelly? She could use hearing the most beautiful voice in the world right now."

"I'm sorry, I can't..." she muttered, embarrassed.

"If you can't, then I will. ' Go rest high, on that mountain, Son, or daughter, your work here is done."

"Michael will you stop it?! " Erin demanded. "She's not dead, she's not dying, she's going to be okay. We have to believe the best in her. We need to tell her how much we love her. She doesn't need funeral songs sang to her. Can we all just talk to her like she's right here with us?"

"I think she's right, Michael," Holly whispered as not to embarrass him. "She needs positive words, words of encouragement. I think that is what will make her pull through."

"You, Holly Flax, are a genius. Do you all here that? Let's speak positively to her. Let's pretend she didn't try to kill herself. Let's all just pretend it's a work day. Ryan you speak to her more than anyone. What would you talk about if she was sitting up listening to us?"

Man he hated being put on the spot. "I think she likes music."

"Music you say, old man?" Andy grinned. "You've got the right person. As a member of Cornell and Here comes treble, I would like to sing..."

"Not your music, real music!" Michael shouted.

"can we all not fight?" Erin asked. "She hates fighting more than anything. She had to listen to her parents fight when her sister died. That's why she tried so hard to be a happy person. She didn't want to become like her parents. She is amazing, the most amazing person I know."

Andy looked at her. "You're the most amazing person I know."

Erin grinned. "Really?"

"Really, really."

Michael turned to Holly. "And you're the most amazing person I know."

She blushed. "You're just saying that because everyone else is.."

"No, it's true. Ask everyone in this room. How often have I called Holly amazing?"

"Practically every day since he's known you," Erin chimed in. Andy nodded, as well as Oscar.

"Michael, why haven't you told me that?"

"Because I was afraid to, okay? I'm not brave like Kelly, telling everyone she meets that she loves them."

"Actually that was only Ryan," Erin reminded him.

"It doesn't matter. I tell the cameras how amazing you are. I tell myself how amazing you are. I just hope someday you can believe me when I tell you how amazing you are, Holly Flax."

She turned red once more. "I think I can believe you."

"it's about time. I bet AJ doesn't tell you how amazing you are."

"Can we not talk about AJ?"

"Aren't things going well with him? I wish I could say that I was sorry, but I'm not. You don't belong with him. You belong with me."

"I'm starting to see that."

Pam and Erin smiled at each other. There was true love, right in front of them. Both of them were hoping that that love match would inspire Ryan to say something to Kelly, anything, that would help her out. But instead he sat quietly, watching and listening to the monitors.

"You think you belong with me?" Michael asked Holly.

"I think so," she smiled, and then he kissed her.

"I love you, Holly."

Oscar coughed, trying to let him realize that this was about Kelly, not his and Holly's relationship.

"Okay, okay, I love you too Oscar. Not in a gay kind of way. But as a boss-employee relationship, then yes, I love you too Oscar. I even love Ryan, who does not deserve love because he threw it away. But if you stopped loving someone just because they made a mistake, what kind of love would that be? That would be artificial, not real, and not the kind of love I would want to have in my life." He pulled Ryan close to him, who tried to resist, but Michael persisted. "You see, I love Ryan Howard and I don't care who knows it."

At the other side of the door were Dwight and Angela, who had decided to visit. But after hearing Michael's pronouncement, they both decided to leave.

"Ryan, how are you doing today?" Holly cleared her throat, attempting to change the subject.

"I'm well thanks for asking."

"Ryan how can you be well?" Pam demanded, suddenly feeling frustrated at the whole situation. "Whether or not you admit it, Kelly is your girlfriend. She loves you more than you can ever know, and all you can say is you're doing well? What kind of freak does that anyways? You know what? Maybe she's better off. Maybe she's better off not having you in her life. If Jim said that he were fine should I become horrendously disfigured in some freak accident, I would wake up and then I would kill him. Yes, I said it. I would kill him. I wouldn't want him to be fine. I would want him to be by my side, talking to me, holding my hand, telling me how beautiful I was, even though I wasn't, and telling me that everything was going to be okay. But you...what have you done? You've been just the temp...the temp at Dunder Mifflin and the temp boyfriend. When are you going to wake up and decide you want something more from your life?"

Everyone was shocked. Pam was normally the voice of reason, but on this occasion, something had hit a nerve with her. She just couldn't stand there and let Ryan continue to be an asshole. Everyone could coddle him all they wanted to, but she wouldn't. That wasn't her job. Her job was to tell the truth, even if it wasn't a truth that anyone wanted to hear.

Just then Jim walked in. "Pam, might I speak with you out in the hallway?"

"No, Jim, look at him. He's heartless. His girlfriend tried to kill herself and what's he doing trying to make things better? He's only here because he knows we would hate him if he weren't."

Jim gently led her outside of the hallway. "What's wrong, Pam? I know that wasn't about Ryan and Kelly in there."

"What if it was? What if you don't know me as well as you think you do?"

He smiled for the cameras then turned to Pam. "I know you better than you know yourself. You never get angry, not like that. What's the real deal? Let's go for a walk then we can come back in and see Kelly."

So they went outside where she tried to calm down. "I'm sorry Jim. I don't know what came over me. It's just when I saw Ryan I saw failure. I saw someone who didn't try and failed to protect the person who loved him."

"You know I would protect you, right? I mean you do know that I would literally die for you and CeCe."

"I know that. But when I think of the times I tried and failed..."

"Wait, are you talking about art school?"

She said nothing.

"You didn't fail. You chose love over chasing your dreams. Until now I thought we both agreed that you'd made the right decision."

"I did, and I don't regret it for a day. It's just that here is someone who's been given a million chances, and all he does is take and take and take."

"Not everyone is as kind and generous and warm as you are, Pam. You can't change the world. You can't change Ryan. What you can do is create the best world possible for our family. You have a little girl who needs you, you have a husband who is over the moon about you, and you have a job that you tolerate. This isn't about Ryan or Kelly, anymore, is it?"

she looked at him sadly "It is about Ryan and Kelly. I just don't understand how someone with so much to give can just take and take and take and never put anything into it."

"Kind of like Roy?" Jim asked.

She was shocked. How dare he bring her former fiancee into this mess. "No, Jim you aren't listening. This has nothing to do with art school or Roy or any of my old baggage. It's just I see someone lazy and it makes me mad. Me, I have to try extra hard at everything I do just to make it. Do you think it's easy loving you? That it's easy loving a child who spits peas into your freshly washed hair and refuses to potty train? It's not easy, but I do it because I want to, I love to, and there's nothing more in the world I'd rather do than love my family. Ryan could have had it all, but he destroyed whatever chance he had with Kelly. I just don't understand."

"I think I understand. You care too much, Beesly. That's always been your problem. You care when it's others' responsibility to care. You care until it hurts. And that's what I love about you. So if going in there and screaming at Ryan makes you feel better, I say go for it."

She looked at him for a minute, and then they both started to laugh. "I promise I won't yell at Ryan any more."

"You sure? Because I can steal Dwight's megaphone to make sure that Ryan gets the message loud and clear."

She hugged her husband, suddenly grateful for everything she had in her life. Her life wasn't perfect, but she knew that she wouldn't have it any other way.


	14. Chapter 14

So as the days went by life went on as usual for everyone. Holly broke up with AJ and moved in with Michael. No one in the office had ever seen him that happy, and that helped to break the mood that everyone was in about Kelly's condition. Even Kevin had been to see her. He took her in a jar of M&M's, just in case she woke up hungry. For real food, he called it. Toby managed to sneak off during his lunch break to see her, and it about broke his heart seeing her like that. He knew very well that that could have been him if circumstances were different, and so he made an extra effort to visit her, even if no one else knew about those visits. Oscar knew about those visits, and he understood. He was beginning to see a new side to Toby. He just prayed that he really wasn't the Scranton Strangler. He said that to the camera, then begged them to erase it. They wouldn't. Toby would be one of the first people to see the footage from the cameras, and would probably be shocked at how many people thought that he was the Scranton Strangler.

But Oscar was beginning to feel sorry for Toby. He had his daughter, but she was growing up and didn't need him as much. So pretty much Toby was alone in the world. Everyone at the office hated him. Oscar was afraid that if something happened to Kelly and then she didn't make it, then something bad could happen to Toby. She was kind of giving him hope in a strange way. If she could defy the odds and make something of her life despite this life altering event then maybe Toby could wind up doing something with his life. At least that's what Oscar told the cameras. He didn't want to seem like a total asshole for calling the guy a mass murderer.

Dwight and Angela went about their ways, pretending to avoid each other while secretly stealing glances at one another. No one knew about the engagement, and they liked it that way. It made it more exciting, like a little game that only they were privy to. They were the new Jim and Pam, according to Dwight, and the thought made Angela giggle a little to herself when she thought no one was watching. Sometimes the camera would catch her laughing and then she would start to cough. No need in everyone knowing her and Dwight's business.

Jim and Pam took turns wrestling with guilt. They had their hands full with CeCe and couldn't always find a babysitter for her, even though Pam's mom offered to help out any way she could. Sometimes at night one of them would grow quiet, and the other would rub their back or turn on mood music or just leave the other one be. It was hard with two guilty consciences in the same household. Jim tried to tell himself that he couldn't have predicted this, but that wasn't true. He knew from the beginning that Ryan and Kelly would be a disaster, but it was like he had had a front row seat on the Titanic and just watched in shock as all of the events unfolded. Didn't Ryan know that women were supposed to get the first life boats? He couldn't understand how a man could treat the woman he was supposed to love like that. He would never hurt Pam for all the money in the world. True, their relationship had gotten off to a rocky start, with each other loving a different person when the other was available. But no matter what had transpired between them, Jim always knew that Pam was the one for him. She didn't have to try to do anything to impress him; everything she did impressed him naturally. She had a great sense of humor, she was smart, not to mention beautiful, and now she was a wonderful mother to his child. But Ryan could have had all of that, and he chose not to.

What was Ryan's deal, anyways? Was he selfish or playing it smart with his heart? There were times Jim hid from Pam, usually in the form of dating another woman, just so that she wouldn't be able to see how much he loved her. But Ryan had to know how Kelly felt about him, she was anything but subtle. Kelly wasn't his type, but he admitted there were times he had been attracted to her. Not that anything would have ever happened, but she had a great personality, she was pretty and even had a cute little rear. He let that slip to the camera guy once and then slipped him a ten to delete that. Pam would kill him if she ever found out that he thought of Kelly that way, even when they were both single.

And plus it was obvious from the first day Ryan joined the office that Kelly was all about him. Jim would never forget how she begged him to hook her up with him. And he did, even though Ryan hinted strongly that he just wanted a good time. It was never like that with Jim and Pam. What they had was deeper, stronger, more meaningful. And he could sense that that was what Kelly really wanted, but had no idea how to achieve it. So she hid behind superficial substances, like clothes and makeup and gossip, but really she wanted what Jim and Pam had wanted- to be loved. Who could fault her for that?

He thought back to how he felt when Pam was with Roy. There were days were he literally had to force himself to get out of bed. The thought of seeing Pam with Roy made him sick and uncomfortable, and yet he put up with it for a long time. Why? The rest of the world might have told him that he was crazy. He never would forget what Michael told him on the booze cruise. Engaged ain't married, he'd told him, and that was probably the best advice anyone had ever given him ironically. So he bid his time, and it paid off in spades. Knowing that the girl who he loved loved him back was the best feeling in the world.

So he couldn't fault Kelly for wanting to fall in love. Sometimes he wondered if she knew what the difference between a crush and love was, but then he reminded himself that he and Pam started with a crush. It was funny...this ordeal that was tearing everyone apart was bringing everyone closer.

It was true. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration started showering Phyllis with flowers and taking her out to lunch more often. Michael had won Holly, and was more pleasant to work with. Stanley still checked out at five, but one time only he caught Stanley at the hospital parking lot. Stanley turned around once he saw him, but Jim could have sworn that he was going to make time to see Kelly. Just what he needed, another girl on the side.

Angela seemed like she was off in her own little world. Jim didn't really want to guess, but he supposed it had something to do with Dwight. Dwight was still Dwight, albeit somewhat tolerable. Of course, the fact that Jim and Pam hadn't been pulling pranks on Dwight probably helped. He'd get back there again one day, he promised himself. One day.

Andy and Erin were evidentally in love. He spent more time at the receptionist's desk than Jim ever had, and that was saying a lot. He had practically rented a chair at Pam's desk, now there was Andy, hovering over Erin like she was a little lost puppy. Even though Andy still insisted on calling Jim Tuna, Andy had become somewhat easier to deal with. Apparantly love was in the air at Dunder Mifflin, and it was doing wonders for the morale there.

Pam walked up to Angela one day and admired her ring around her necklace. "It's unusual," she commented while reaching out to touch it.

Angela slapped her hand back. "Thank you. It has sentimental meaning to me and I can't afford to let just anyone touch it."

"Did Dwight give it to you?" Pam looked at Dwight who was smiling and then at Angela who was trying to hide a smile. "Is it an engagement ring? It is, isn't it? Hey everyone, Dwight and Angela are engaged!"

Everyone started to clap, and the couple realized that their cover had been blown.

Michael was the first to approach Dwight. "So you landed yourself Angela huh? How's that bedset going to work, a king size for you and a twin mattress on the floor for Angela?" he laughed at his own joke.

"No, there is plenty of room in my bed for the both of us."

Jim made a face like he was going to vomit at the camera.

"Okay guys, you know what this means...our first party in some time! Phyllis get busy, Oscar you too. Angela you know you cannot be on your own party planning committee. It's about time we get some good news in this place!" He looked over at Ryan. "Speaking of good news, have you heard anything about Kelly?"

"No but you'll be the first to know when I do," Ryan replied dryly.

So the party began. The theme was of course, cats, and Angela couldn't have been happier if she had planned it herself. There were cupcakes, punch, and a break from the day. It was truly a happy occasion for Dunder Mifflin.

"So, big guy," Michael playfully punched Dwight in the gut. "When...when were you going to spring this on us?"

"Well, Angela and I thought it might be tacky to revel in our good news with the unfortunate Kelly and Ryan situation going on. The last thing we wanted was to steal Ryan's thunder when he revealed that he had at last proposed to Kelly, even if it was on her death bed."

"Dwight? When are you going to accept that Kelly's going to be okay! I bet Angela will even invite her to be matron of honor at her wedding when she wakes up."

\

The camera panned to Angela who was shaking her head no. A definite no.

"Who says you'll get married before Ryan and Kelly? Let's have an office pool. I have three hundred that says Kelly and Ryan get married before Dwight and Angela."

"Put me down for ten," Oscar chimed in, then looked at the aforementioned couple. "What?"

"Oh I bet Angela will get married first because she's pregnant," Kevin laughed. Everyone stared at Angela.

"No. No, Kevin. No cupcake for you," She grabbed it and threw it in the trash. Kevin looked upset.

"Erin, the phone's ringing. Can you grab it?" Michael asked as he laughed at Kevin's misfortune.\

What Erin had to say when she came back in quieted the room. "Everyone, I have big news. Kelly's awake. And she wants to see Ryan."

Everyone stared at Ryan. This was his make it or break it moment, and no one, not even Michael, could predict how he would handle this. Would he hide or would he face his girlfriend? More importantly would he live through their conversation?

"Holly and I can go with you if you want us to," Michael offered.

"No thank you. I'd better do this alone."

"Tell her we all said hi and we miss her and we love her," Erin chimed in.

"Will do."

As Ryan raced down the stairs to his car, he realized that his heart was racing even faster than what it had been doing while he was on cocaine. How this would play out, he had no idea. He was scared to death to find out what she was going to say to him. This could be it for them, and finally he broke down before starting his car.

Everyone had been staring at him through the window so they all knew he was crying.

"Come on, people, enough's enough. Haven't you seen a grown man cry before?" Michael demanded.

"Once when the vending machine wouldn't take my money, I cried," Kevin admitted, to which everyone stared at him blankly.

Kelly was going to be okay, Ryan told himself. She had to be. He wouldn't accept anything less than the best from her, because that's what she always gave him. The question was, what was she going to give him when he saw her?


	15. Chapter 15

Ryan hadn't been sure of what to expect when he saw Kelly, but he wasn't prepared for what he did see. She was sitting up, wearing a pink track suit, full make up. It had looked like he was going to a party, not a hospital room. He stared at her for a long time, not knowing what to say.

"Ryan," she said softly. "You came."

"I've been here every day."

"You should have just let me be. I didn't want you to find me, not like this."

"Kelly you left a suicide note! How did you want to be found?"

"I wanted to go out in style. I wanted to be remembered," she responded flatly.

"How could you think that no one would remember you?"

"Would you have remembered me?"

Ryan looked at her through fresh eyes. This wasn't the confident, happy, cheerful girl whom he had used. She was in desperate need of validation, of which he wasn't sure he could provide.

"Kelly I could never forget you," he decided upon saying.

"It seems to me you forgot about me a long time ago." It was a statement, not an accusation. She was right, and he knew it.

"I know. I know." Ryan wasn't sure what he should say, he didn't want to trigger any upsetting memories, but he knew that she needed him more than ever. That was quite a responsibility for just a temp.

"You forgot our anniversary, which is the day before Valentine's Day. You forgot my birthday, which is June 18. You didn't even get me a Christmas card or a present." If he didn't know better, he would have thought she was starting a fight. But she wasn't. She was listing facts, all of which were true.

"I know," was the best he could respond.

"Do you know what I hate the most about myself right now?"

"Kelly should I go get someone?"

"No Ryan damn it, you put me here so you damn well might as well hear me out!" Then her voice softened, almost to a little girl's voice. "If you ever cared about me you'll stay."

"I'm not going anywhere, Kelly. I promise you."

"Now do you want to hear what I hate the most about myself?"

Not really. "What's that?"

She looked at him tearfully. "That I still love you."

He hadn't been prepared for that. He had been ready to hear what an asshole he'd been, how stupid he was, how she hated him. But this, this was almost worse.

"I don't deserve that."

"I know you don't. We both know you don't. But that's my problem, not yours. They say they're going to put me in a psych ward tomorrow. I'm scared, Ry."

"After everything you've been through you shouldn't be scared of anything. Not after what I've put you through."

"I didn't even feel like this when my sister died. What's wrong with me? Why do I love you so much and why does it hurt to love you?"

"I don't know. I don't think love's supposed to hurt."

"But it does. I love you so badly and you've given me nothing. Nothing! You call off sick on February 13 and 14th every year just so you can avoid me. What did I do to deserve that?"

"I could tell you you did nothing, but would you believe me?"

Her silence answered his question.

"Kel, I don't know if I can give you what you want from me. I can tell you this, and this is the truth- you've meant more to me than anyone else in my life. I know I'm selfish and i've hurt you but believe me, I'm not worth all of this. No man is."

\

"Maybe that's why I need the psych ward. Because to me you're worth every bit of hurt I've gone through. I would do this all over again if it meant we would be together in the end."

Ryan sat beside her on the bed and held her for a long time. At first the tears were slow in coming, but soon they were pouring out like rain. He didn't know what to do, his words were failing him, but it was breaking his heart to see her like this.

"Kelly you are beautiful, do you know that?"

"Then why do you need those other girls?"

"I don't know, to make me feel better about myself. They have nothing to do with you. No one holds a candle to you, and that's the truth."

"Candle...like candle in the wind. Would you have played that at my funeral for me? Not the princess Di one, the Marilyn Monroe one?"

"Kelly please don't talk like that. You're scaring me."

For the first time he saw real emotion flash across her face. "You're scared? I'm going to spend weeks in the funny farm and my parents don't know anything about me and I don't know when I'll go back to work or see my friends or see you again, and you're scared?"

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm so insensitive."

"I don't know why. I've spent years trying to figure it out and all I can come up with is because I'm unlovable."

Now he knew what to say. "No, Kelly, it's not you. You are definitely loveable. You're the most loveable girl I've ever met."

"Then why don't you love me?"

He pulled her close and kissed her forehead softly at first until she leaned up to meet his lips. He pulled back.

"See I'm so repulsive you won't even kiss me!"

"It's not that. I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and make love to you and be with you but would that solve anything? You'd still hate me afterwards."

"Ryan can't you see it's not you I hate? It's me. If only I was skinnier or whiter or didn't have this fat ass..."

"Kelly don't ever lose your fat ass. Its what I noticed about you."

She smiled for the first time in ages. "You never told me that."

"There's a lot I never told you. There's a lot I should have told you but I just never found the words. I'm a smart guy but when it comes to you I'm pretty stupid."

"Yes, you are," she laughed until she cried.

"Why are you crying now? I thought I made you smile?" Ryan asked, confused.

"I don't know. It just feels good to feel something, to feel anything. Ryan I still love you."

"Please don't tell me that. Maybe after you talk to the doctors and if I talk to them..."

"You would talk to the doctors for me?"

"Not for you. With you. Kelly for you I would do anything." And to his surprise, he meant it.

"Can you do me one favor before they haul me away?"

"Sure. What can I do for you?"

"Can you just hold me? I haven't been held in the longest time."

"Oh, Kelly, I would love to hold you. Come here, baby." He pulled her close to him, so close he could hear her breathing. Was this love? He didn't know, and was even more confused than when he walked into the room.

"Don't ever stop, Ryan. Don't ever stop holding me."

"I won't, Kel. I promise you that. I'll never let go."

Soon the doctor came in to check in on her. "So you're Ryan Howard," he said, accusingly.

"Yes sir. I just, I wanted to see how she was doing."

"She's better but she has a lot of leg work to do. The question is, are you willing to do the legwork with her?"

She looked at Ryan pleadingly.

"Yes, sir. I would do anything to help Kelly."

"It might get ugly. There might be some things about yourself that you don't want to learn."

"That's okay. If it helps Kelly i'll do anything. Just let me have a few minutes with her okay?"

The doctor shot him a dirty look. "A few. Then Kelly and I have some work to do."

"Can I see her tomorrow?"

"You can see her every day. In fact that's going to be part of her therapy. You obviously have commitment issues. Can you commit to helping her for at least two weeks?"

Ryan didn't think twice. "Of course."

The doctor shook his head at Ryan before leaving them alone.

"I'm scared, Ryan. What if I'm not strong enough to do this? What if they tell me I'm crazy."

"The only way they would tell you you're crazy is if you still love me," he laughed. Instead of laughter, he was met with more tears.

"I can't help it, Ryan. You're perfect. You're goregous and smart and funny and you're everything I wish I could be."

"Don't say that. I'm not perfect. If I were you wouldn 't be here."

"It's not your fault I'm here. They have taught me that already. It's me. It's all me."

"Yeah but I pushed you. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't try at all. I am so sorry to have done this to you. "

"Please don't blame yourself. I couldn't live with myself if you blamed yourself that I'm a total wreck."

"I love you Kelly," he whispered.

"Please don't tell me anything you don't mean. I can't handle it if you lie to me anymore."

"I'm not lying. I do love you. I just don't know if I can love you the way you need to be loved."

"At least you're being honest. That's all I ask of you. Be honest. Don't tell lies to me. And don't break my heart again."

The first two he knew he could do, but the last one he wasn't sure. He knew someone was going to get hurt throughout this, he would rather it be him than her.

On the way home her words kept running through his mind. I still love you Ryan. Don't break my heart.

Those were powerful words, ones in which he wasn't sure he could live up to her expectations. He knew he would hurt her, even if he didn't mean to. He'd hurt her enough for one lifetime. But seeing her again made him feel the same feelings he knew that he once had. He was finally sure of one thing- he loved Kelly Kapoor and would do anything to help her, even if it made him look ugly. Maybe he was finally learning a lesson about love after all.

When he got back to the office, everyone was full of questions. Dwight asked if they had her in a straightjacket, of which he could get himself out if need be. Ryan just shook his head.

"She's going to be there for some inpatient therapy. Toby can I have the next two weeks off to help her. I know I don't get vacation pay because I'm a temp and I want to keep my job. But I just think it's a bit more important that I help Kelly right now."

Toby smiled. At last the guy was getting it. "I promise you your job will be safe."

"Ryan, are you sure you can do this?" Pam asked. "I mean, it's not going to be easy and I'm sure you're going to learn things about yourself that aren't too pleasant."

"I have to do this, for Kelly. It's the least I can do for being such a ...you know how I was to her."

Pam stood up and squeezed his hand. Normally Jim would be a little jealous of her giving her affections to another guy, but in this case, he was proud of his wife. A little sympathy went a long way, and the guy had a long road ahead of him. He wouldn't want to be in his shoes if he were Ryan.


	16. Chapter 16

The next day Ryan thought about what he wanted to say to Kelly during their sessions. He wanted to say he loved her that she was the one for him, but he didn't know if he could go through with that. He didn't want to make empty promises that he couldn't keep. He honestly wondered if he was doing the right thing by visiting her, but he had promised, and he couldn't stand to let her down again. That was what had landed her in the hospital to begin with, so in a way this was a fresh start.

"So, you're Ryan," the therapist looked at him over her rimmed glasses. "I'm Dr. Riggs. It's nice to meet you finally."

"Really? Is it nice to meet someone who did this to Kelly?"

"What do you think?"\

"I'd think that I'm the last person Kelly needs to see if I were you."

"But you're not me. What do you think Kelly needs?"

"I think she needs to talk to someone. I don't think I'm the best listener in the world."

"But can you try? Do you care enough about Kelly to try to listen to her, now that she's at her most vulnerable?"

Ryan nodded.

"Okay. Kelly you can come in now," Dr. Riggs called.

"Hi Ryan. You came! See I told everyone he would come!" she said giddily.

"She says a lot about you, Ryan. In fact you're all she talks about. How do you feel about that?"

He shrugged.

"Now Ryan, you promised you'd try. For Kelly's sake. Shrugging your shoulders is not an answer. It's important that you can be honest, even if it hurts Kelly. She's never going to move past this if you continue to decieve her- or yourself."

"I guess I feel guilty. I'm afraid everyone will blame me for her being here."

"And what people think of you is important?"

"Isn't it to everyone?"

"I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I have a healthy self-esteem." Dr. Riggs responded. "Do you think you have a healthy self-esteem?"

"I know I have a healthy ego. Even Kelly tells me that."

"An ego and a self-esteem aren't the same thing. Ego tells you what you want to hear, what you want to believe about yourself. Self-esteem is how you really feel about yourself. So why don't you tell Kelly what you really feel about yourself?"

"Is this really necessary?"

"If you want Kelly to stop seeing you as a God than yes, it is necessary."

There was a reason Ryan hated doctors. They thought they were so smart, so better than everyone. "I feel like I'm stuck. I'm just a temp. I don't get any respect around the office. My parents turned their backs on me when I was in trouble...:"

"What kind of trouble were you in?"

"I was in prison, okay? I got caught up in the corporate web and my greed got the better of me. Kelly could have told you that."

"But she didn't. Why do you think she left that out?"

"Because she thinks I'm perfect. She sees me as she wants to see me, not for who I really am." Ryan cried out in frustration.

"Oh Ryan, I'm so sorry. I won't do that again, I promise."

"Kelly," Dr. Riggs spoke up. "you're taking a step backwards. We promised to make this a safe enviroment for Ryan, and your unrealistic expectations of him aren't going to help either of you."

Kelly slung back in her seat, obviously unhappy at not being heard.

"Ryan, did Kelly support you when you were in prison? Emotionally, financially, sexually?"

"Well we couldn't do anything sexually. It was a prison, remember?"

"No need to be hostile. Just answer the question."

"She came to see me every week and put money on my books. She was terrific."

"Did you ever tell her she was terrific?"

Ryan looked down. "No I guess I didn't."

"How is she supposed to know you were grateful for her support if you never thanked her?"

"I don't know. I thought I made it up to her once I got out."

Kelly lit up. "Yes we had the most amazing sex ever! He was like an animal."

"And that's how you think Ryan should show his appreciation- through sex?"

"I guess so."

"I guess we know how Kelly values herself. Through sex she feels desirable to you, and when you ignore her she feels destroyed. How does that make you feel, Ryan?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I thought the questions were for Kelly."

"Yes but aren't you part of the reason she tried to kill herself?"

"I was wrong, I admit it. I know I'm selfish and I never thought of her feelings. It was all about me and what she could do for me."

"You speak in the past tense. Is your relationship with Kelly over?"

Kelly began to panic and started to cry heavily. "Oh no, Ryan. Please don't let it be over. I'll change. I promise I'll be different."

"Kelly, do you hear yourself? You're begging for a man's affections, which frankly, have been rather one sided. Is that the kind of man you envision yourself with?"

"But he's so perfect."

"If he was so perfect why did you try to kill yourself?"

"Okay can we stop bringing that up every thirty seconds? I made a mistake. I promise I won't do it again. Now can you just let me go so me and Ryan can work this out?"

"You keep bargaining for things. Unfortunately people and life don't respond well to bargains. How well has it worked for you? Kelly please be honest. How have you bargained with Ryan to be with you?"

She stopped her crying to think about it. "Well I use sex..,.a lot. I keep thinking if we have great sex he won't need to find it with anyone else."

"How has that worked?"

"It hasn't. He still sleeps around."

"And you let him back in your bed?"

"I guess I bargain in other ways. If I look a certain way he'll pay attention to me, or if I act a certain way, he'll come see me that night."

"Does that work?

"Most of the time it doesn't. But when it does it feels amazing to be with him!"

"So you're selling your soul for a few hours of attention and sex. Is that working for you?"

Kelly looked down. "I guess not."

"Kelly you need to know if it's working for you. You're here, aren't you? Ryan still hasn't committed to you. You're not married and you don't have any babies. I would say it's not working, is it?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I guess not."

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

"No!" Kelly shouted. "It's not working! Nothing I've tried has worked. And I don't know what else to do."

"Now you're getting somewhere. Don't you think that somewhere Ryan has a part in your relationship?"

"Yes."

"Is it fair to say that he has a right to decide if he wants to get married and have babies?"

"You just said he was an asshole, now I am?" Kelly put her hands over her face to hide her tears, which Dr. Riggs and Ryan knew were coming down hard by now.

"I never said he was an asshole, and I never said you were. I think you need to get your expectations in check. Is it really reasonable to expect Ryan to marry you and give you babies if he's still sleeping with other girls?"

"No, I guess not."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Honestly?"

Dr. Riggs nodded. "If not now then never."

"It pisses me off! I've given him the best five years of my life and he won't give me anything I ask for. Okay maybe I come off too strongly about marriage and babies, but at this point he should be calling me his girlfriend or something."

"That sounds reasonable. Ryan, why won't you call her your girlfriend? Are you ashamed of her?"

"No. I know I'm lucky to have her."

"Then why are you keeping your options open?"

"I don't know why. All I know is that I'm tired of hurting Kelly and I will do anything to make her happy."

"Does that mean you'll commit- not to marriage and babies, but to the relationship?"

He thought about it. "Yes."

"Don't tell me. Tell Kelly."

"Kelly I will commit to you and to our relationship. I promise that things will be different from now on,"he looked her in the eyes.

"How so?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"No more women would be nice," Kelly muttered.

"How about that, Ryan? No more women? Can you do that? Don't tell her if you can't."

"No more women. Kelly's the only one for me. I just hadn't realized it until I almost lost her."

"Is that what it's going to take to you get your attention in the future? More suicide attempts?"

Ryan ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated. "I just told her that I wouldn't see anyone else. I don't know what you want from me."

"Are you feeling frustrated?"

"Yes! Very!"

"Now you can begin to sympathize with Kelly and her frustrations. Just something to think about."

"If I tell Kelly I love her can I leave?"

"Now you're bargaining because you're uncomfortable. Just like Kelly. Now you can begin to put yourself in her shoes for a change. I think we've had enough this session. I think I've given you both something to think about. Kelly it's time for your medication. Ryan we'll see you back here tomorrow at the same time?"

"Yes."

"Is there anything you'd like to tell Kelly before you leave?"

He looked at his girlfriend through fresh eyes. He had no idea how hard it was to love him. "Thank you for loving me. I know it's hard on you but you know what? I'm glad you do."

Kelly asked if she could give him a hug. Dr. Riggs said yes. Kelly embraced Ryan as she never had before, never wanting to let go. This time was different. Ryan was actually hugging her back.

"Take care of yourself, Kel," he reminded her before he left.

On the drive back to his place he thought about what had happened, what had been said. He didn't know if he liked that quack Dr. Riggs, but it sure hurt to hear about how he'd hurt Kelly. He'd never stopped to think about it before, and if he had, who's to say he wouldn't have done it anyways?

The thought frightened him, so he pulled over to the side of the road to cry. He hadn't cried like this in ages. It hurt him to know that he was killing the woman who loved him so much, and he realized that he was a jerk. Kelly was there because she needed to change, but apparently she wasn't the only one who needed to change. The question was, did he have the strength to change, without Kelly? She'd always been the strong one. Now their positions were reversed, and he was supposed to be the strong one. But if they were both weak what did that hold for their future?


	17. Chapter 17

Ch 17

Ryan wasn't so sure he was looking forward to the next session. After all, the doctor had been pretty brutal with him, and he didn't like confrontation. But he had promised Kelly he would do this; he owed her that much. It just wouldn't be easy. In a way it was easier than before she woke up, when everyone just assumed the worst in him. True, there had been moments of kindness, like when he had crashed at Michael's or when Holly talked to him. But he knew everyone was judging him, watching him to see how he treated Kelly. That was a lot of pressure to deal with.

"Hi Ryan!" Kelly greeted him with a hug and she snuck in a kiss. He didn't resist, but he had his eyes open, watching the doctor's response.

"Hi Kel. How are you today?"

"I'm better now that you're here." she giggled.

"Kelly," Dr. Riggs reprimanded her. "You're supposed to want to try to feel okay whether or not Ryan is here. That is something we talked about last night after he left."

"I know but can't I just show him how happy I am to see him?"

The doctor sighed. Kelly had a long, hard road ahead of her.

"Ryan, tell me, have you learned anything from our last session?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I don't know. I mean I guess it all hasn't sunk in yet."

"But you promised me you'd commit to me! That there'd be no other girls!" Kelly protested.

"Kelly, you will get your chance to talk. Do you really want something that you have to force out of someone, or is it better that they offer it to you freely?"

She folded her hands against her chest and shut up.

"Kelly I did learn that I care about you a lot. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't. Yesterday was hard for me, I learned some things about myself that I don't like. When you woke up I assumed it would be you that had to change but I guess there are some things about myself that I need to change as well. I'm not blaming you for anything," he reassured her as if he could read her mind. He knew her well enough to know that she was more than willing to take the blame for everything that had gone wrong in their relationship, and that wasn't fair. That was one thing he would like to work on, and so he told the doctor that.

"Why would you like to see Kelly stop blaming herself for everything? That's curious. Be as honest as you can."

"Because I know it's my fault that she's in here."

"Did you give her those pills?"

"No but I might as well have. I did everything but pour them down her throat. I neglected her, I used her, I abandonded her. I don't know why she still loves me."

"But don't you see, you haven't abandoned her. You're here, aren't you?"

With that, Kelly smiled. "Yes, he's here. That tells me a lot about him."

"What does that tell you, Kelly?"

"That he loves me! That he promises to change. That he sees a future with me."

"Is that true, Ryan?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling. I know what Kelly wants me to feel. I know what you want me to feel. I just don't know how I actually feel."

"How does Kelly want you to feel?"

"She wants me to feel like I've changed, that I can be the perfect boyfriend. I'm not the perfect boyfriend and I wish she would stop seeing me that way."

Kelly started to cry again. "I can't help how I feel, Ryan. I can't help that I love you. Is that a crime? If so you might as well lock me up forever."

Dr. Riggs looked at Kelly. "It is true that you can't help loving Ryan. But what you can help are your expectations of him. If they don't change then the relationship won't change."

"But I don't expect much of him."

"Maybe you should. Maybe he should be accountable for his actions or his inactions."

Kelly tried to dry her tears, the tears that had been building up for years. "I don't expect him to marry me and give me babies if that's what you mean."

"Why don't you expect that? Lots of healthy women expect marriage to come from a relationship. Maybe it's possible that you're not seeing what this relationship is really offering you."

"What is it offering me?"

"That's what I'm asking you."

Kelly stopped to think about it. "It's offering me a chance to be someone that I can be proud of. I'm proud of how well I treat Ryan. I'm proud that I can be happy for the first time in a long time."

"But are you really happy?"

"Yes!" Kelly insisted. She looked at Dr. Riggs and then at Ryan. "you make me really happy."

"So that's why you tried to kill yourself, because you're so happy?" Dr. Riggs challenged. "It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be happy with things. If Ryan thinks you're happy then he's never going to change. This is your chance, Kelly. Tell him how you really feel. You're safe here. What's the worst thing that can happen?"

"That he'll tell me that he doesn't love me."

"And then what? Are you going to try to hurt yourself again?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? I said I wouldn't do it again."

"Do you believe her, Ryan?"

He shook his head. "Honestly, I don't. I think that if I tell her how I really feel she's going to try something stupid again, and I couldn't live with myself."

Kelly stared at Ryan. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"I just don't think I can be truthful because I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm tired of the lies, the games, the hurt, the tears. I don't want to be that Ryan anymore."

"Who do you want to be, Ryan?" Dr. Riggs asked.

"I want to be the kind of boyfriend that Kelly deserves. I don't want to cheat on her anymore. I don't want to use her when it's convient for me. I want to show her how I feel about her."

"How do you feel about her?"

"Yeah, Ryan, how do you feel about me?"

"Are you ready for the truth," Dr. Riggs asked. "Because everyone knows the truth hurts."

"I'm ready. Please tell me, Ryan, how do you feel about me?"

He took a deep breath. "I care about you. I care more about you than I ever have any woman, and that's the truth. But all of your expectations are driving me crazy! I can't be perfect. Everyone at work thinks I think I'm perfect, but that's not the truth. That's not who I really am."

"Why don't you tell Kelly who you really are?"

"Because," Ryan sighed. "If I tell her who I really am she won't love me anymore and then she'll leave me. They always do."

Kelly took his hand. "I would never leave you. I'm not like any other girl you've ever been with."

"Ryan, do you believe her?"

"I'm starting to, but I'm not sure."

"Trust is a two way street. Kelly trusts you enough to let you sit in on some of her sessions and hear her most innermost thoughts. Do you feel the same about Kelly?"

He thought about it for a few minutes. "I do."

Kelly grinned in delight.

"Kelly don't get ahead of yourself. Remember, he just told you you might not like him after you hear what he has to say."

"Nothing could change the way I feel about him," she responded confidently.

"That's just it!" Ryan stood up. "You say that, but do you mean it? What if I told you I was the Scranton Strangler? Would you still love me then?"

"Are you? Oh my God that makes sense, your double life, your lying... "

"Kelly I'm not the Scranton Strangler. I just used that for an example."

"Oh."

"Kelly, I'm not where I want to be in life. Do you think that I'm proud to be in my thirties and am a temp at a paper company?"

"But you're so good at it."

"Only you think that I am. And Michael. But that's a different story. Everyone who really gets to know me knows how lazy I am. I don't try. I cheated at corporate. I took drugs. I use you. I always take the easy way out. That's one reason I don't commit to you, because I don't like myself very much."

Dr. Riggs looked at Kelly. "Are you surprised to learn this about Ryan?"

"Yes. Because he always seems so sure of himself. Even in his YouTube video of his arrest he seemed so confident, so sure of himself. I thought he kind of looked sexy."

"You thought I looked sexy being arrested?"

"Sorry but it's true."

"Let's get back to the topic on hand. Ryan can't love anyone because he really doesn't like himself. Now what do you think about him, Kelly?"

"I think he just doesn't see what I see."

"What do you see?" Ryan asked.

"I see someone so goregous, so smart, so funny. I always have a good time with you- when I'mn with you."

"Ryan do you see yourself that way?"

"I think I'm okay looking. I think I act like I'm smart, and if I'm funny it's only because Kelly thinks I am."

"Ryan, what would you think if Kelly stopped thinking of you that way?"

He didn't know what the doctor would think of him if he told the truth. "I might feel a little relieved. A little sad, but a little relieved, that some of the pressure was off of me in the relationship."

"Don't you see, Kelly, Ryan feels pressured in the relationship. Did you just hear him?"

"I don't mean to pressure him. I just love him so much."

"Do you care that he's hurting, just as much as you are?"

"Of course I do."

"Then why do you put that kind of pressure on him? A man can't be your everything, Kelly."

"Oh my God, so it's my fault Ryan doesn't like himself, when all I've ever done is love him for who he is."

"But we just discovered that you don't really know who he is. So how can you love someone you don't know?"

For once, Kelly Kapoor was speechless.

"Are you saying I don't love Ryan?"

"I believe you when you say you do," Dr. Riggs replied.

"So where do we go from here?" Ryan asked anxiously.

"Ryan, what if she realized that she didn't really love you? How would that make you feel?"

"I dont' know. I can't picture a world where she didn't love me."

"Try."

"I would feel lost. I guess I wouldn't know who I was anymore."

"But you see, you don't know who you are with Kelly, so what difference would losing her love have on you?"

"I don't know. I know that I don't want her to stop loving me."

"I think you mean that you would like her to love you."

Ryan and Kelly both said at the same time," Excuse me?"

"I have no doubt that you have feelings for Kelly. Strong feelings even. But would I call what you two share love? No."

"Then what do we have?" Kelly asked, confused.

"A strong physical attraction, a mutual agreement that Ryan gets to behave however he wants without any consequences, and that you'll always take him back, no matter how badly he treats you. Does that sound very healthy to you, Kelly?"

She looked at the doctor, then at Ryan. It was almost as if she were looking at him for the first time.

"Is that what you signed up for, Kelly?" the doctor echoed.

"No. I signed up for love, real love, and if Ryan can't offer it to me, then maybe I need to find someone who will love me."

The way she said that terrified Ryan. He'd been forced to imagine a world without Kelly, and it had scared him. Now he was facing a world where Kelly existed, but didn't love him anymore. And that thought terrified him.\


	18. Chapter 18

Once in her room, Kelly started to cry. She was so confused. Did she love Ryan, or just love who she wanted him to be? The doctor practically said that that wasn't love, it was idolization. She had never for the past five years stopped to think about a world without Ryan, and so at the moment she was as terrified as he was. What did all of this mean? Did she ever really love him, or just really love who she wanted him to be?

So he was lazy at work. So were lots of people. So he was a criminal. Lots of people had pasts. So he wasn't as funny as she thought he was. Maybe he was serious when she thought he was joking. If he wasn't the hard working, funny, cute amazing guy that she thought he was, who was he? And the million dollar question, was not did she love him, but did she like him?

She was beginning to realize that she didn't like all of him. She didn't like or appreciate how he treated her most of the time. She wanted to tell him that in one of their sessions, but she wasn't there yet. Kelly was still terrified that Ryan would leave her if she told him the truth. She was holding back, something which her therapist noted. If Ryan wasn't being completely honest with his feelings, was she?

Admitting to herself that she hadn't been completely honest with Ryan was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. If she told him she loved him a hundred times then maybe that hundreth time would be the time he told her he loved her back. And for once, Kelly was starting to think that maybe that wasn't the way love was supposed to work. If you loved someone, you loved someone because of who they were, not what they said or did. And apparently she didn't know Ryan Bailey Howard at all. And she hated herself for it.

She had come to see that they were stuck in a pattern- she loved him, he pulled away. The more she loved him the more he resisted. That truth took several individual sessions with Dr. Riggs to see. It was like pulling out her hair. It might have felt good temporarily but in the long run what would she be left with? No hair, and no love. So something in her relationship was obviously broken. For a long time she had blamed Ryan, but now she was starting to see things about herself that she didn't like.

She tried too hard, that was obvious. Love wasn't supposed to be this much work, or at least that's what it seemed like in her favorite movies. There were supposed to be obstacles, but love conqured all, didn't it? At least that's the way it always played out. But what if love wasn't supposed to have obstacles? What if you just loved someone for who they were and not who you wanted them to be? That was the question Dr. Riggs had posed for her that night, and she had hours to reflect upon it.

Could it be that she really didn't love Ryan after all? After all, she was hurting, he was hurting, there were no clear winners in this crazy game they were playing. She cared about him, but even Ryan said he cared about her. But had he ever said he loved her? The more she thought about it, the more it seemed like he went out of his way not to say it. And the thought pissed her off.

She was pissed, all right. She was mad at herself, mad at Ryan, mad at the Office for knowing what Ryan's game was and not telling her. She was the new Andy. She'd been made a fool of, with everyone dismissing her as "just Kelly being Kelly." Well, there was a news flash, she wasn't "just Kelly". She was a person with feelings and opinions and a heart, and even she was starting to think she deserved better than how Ryan had treated her. At least Michael had confronted Andy with the truth. No one bothered to tell her that Ryan was just using her, not until she met Dr. Riggs. How could she have been so blind? And to think she tried to kill herself over a guy who never said those three little words that she had longed to hear for so long?

At one point during the day she became thankful. She was thankful she hadn't died, because obviously Ryan wasn't worth it. He was no better than she was. She was using him to feel better and live out her fantasy, and he was using her for sex. That wasn't love. It hurt her to realize it but really, what she and Ryan had was not love.

The first time she admitted it to herself, then in an individual session with Dr. Riggs she admitted out loud what she had been scared to say for years.

"I don't think that Ryan and I are in love," she said sadly.

"What makes you think that?"

"Apparently I am hurting him as much as he is hurting me. I feel empty without him but I feel empty with him too. I am no expert like you but I don't think that's love."

Dr. Riggs smiled. "What do you think love is?"

"Love is when you want the best for the other person, and not just for yourself. I haven't wanted what was best for Ryan. If I did I never would have pressured him with all the talk about marriage and babies when clearly that was not what he wanted."

"Good job Kelly. But what about Ryan? Does he love you or not?"

"No, because he won't say it!"

"Sometimes a person can love another person without saying those words."

Kelly looked at her strangely. "First you want me to say Ryan doesn't love me, now you want me to say that he does?"

"I'm not telling you what to say. It's what you think, what you feel that matters. How do you feel about Ryan now that you supspect that he never loved you?"

"I hate him. I hate his guts. I don't care if I ever see him again."

"That's how children talk when they don't get their way. The truth is, Ryan is your coworker, and you're going to have to face him sooner or later. In fact he's supposed to be here in an hour. Do you want me to cancel your session with him for today?"

Kelly nodded. For the first time in her life she was glad not to see Ryan Howard.

00000

Ryan was confused when he got the call. He gave up two weeks of his life to help Kelly only to be told that for one day Kelly did not want to see him? What was up with that? She'd been begging for years for his time, and when he offered it freely she did not want it. He wasn't sure he liked that Dr. Riggs.

0000

"How do you feel about not seeing Ryan today?" Dr. Riggs asked during the time that had been allotted for her and Ryan,

"You know what? I really don't care."

"You must care, otherwise you wouldn't have such a strong opinion about him."

"Why shouldn't I have a strong opinion about him? I've been fucking him for five years, and apparently that's all it ever was."

"Now, Kelly, remember he said he did care about you. I believe him. Do you?"

She shook her head no. "No, I don't, because if he ever cared about me he would never have treated me the way he did to begin with. He would have told me he loved me. He wouldn't have screwed those other girls. He wouldn't have used me for my money. He would have shown me that he loved me, not just used and abused me."

"So now you're mad at Ryan instead of yourself?"

"You're saying I should be mad at myself?"

"I might be a little mad at myself for allowing myself to be used, for wasting five years of my life," Dr. Riggs pointed out.

"I wouldn't say they were all a waste," Kelly smiled softly.

"What do you mean?"

"We had some good times. He did make me laugh, even if he says he's not funny. We got away with a lot at work. Sometimes when he looked at me I swear he loved me, but apparently I was wrong. I wouldn't know love if it hit me on the head."

"Kelly, what's your definition of love?"

"I don't know. Marriage, babies, being together all the time."

"And you think that's realistic?"

"That's how it works for the movie stars."

"And how long do those marriages last?"

"Paul Newman was married for practically fifty years," Kelly said proudly.

"Try a more recent example. How long were Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston married?"

"Just a few years."

"How long were Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman married?"

"Just under ten."

"So you see, Paul Newman was the rarity, not the certainty. You talk about movie stars a lot. Do you watch a lot of movies?"

"Not really. I just read all the trash magazines. They're fun to read."

Dr. Riggs sighed. "No wonder you don't know what love is. You're basing your idea of love on modern day fairy tales. That's all those celebrity marriages are. What do you believe love should be?"

"Someone that doesn't use you for sex for five years," Kelly said pointedly.

"It sounds like you have a lot of anger for Ryan. Let's talk about that for a minute."

"Do we have to?"

"Ordinarily you're more than happy to talk about Ryan. Why don't you want to talk about him now?"

"Because I hate him! I hate him for using me and for hurting me. I hate him for not loving me, the way I did him."

Dr. Riggs frowned. "Do you ever think that maybe you never loved Ryan, that you were using him the way he used you?"

Kelly was shocked. "What the hell, man? I'm not a player."

"You thought he could offer you marriage and babies and all your dreams to come true. If he had told you on your first date that he just wanted to fuck you and not have babies with you, would you have wasted your time?"

"Of course not!"

The doctor looked at Kelly, gauzing for a reaction. "Oh my God. I was using Ryan. I was hoping that if I tricked him into loving me we could have the family I always wanted. I'm just as bad as he is!"

"You're not bad, Kelly. You're just human. Could it be possible that Ryan is just human as well?"

The thought obviously hadn't crossed her mind that she was more like Ryan than she had thought she was. "I used him. Oh my god I need to apologize to him. I can make this right!"

"There you go again, slipping back into old habits. Why don't you try making things right by yourself?"

"What are you talking about? I'm not in a relationship with myself, only with Ryan."

"There is your problem. You have no real relationship with yourself. You only know what you read, what you watch. Do you even know what you don't want from a boyfriend?"

"I don't want Ryan Howard."

"Are you sure about that?"

Kelly placed her head into her hands, sobbing, She thought that she had once loved Ryan, but now she wasn't so sure. This was all so confusing. When would things ever get better?


	19. Chapter 19

After her session with Dr. Riggs, Kelly sat down in front of the mirror and took a long close look at what she'd seen. Okay, so she wasn't Kate Middleton, but she wasn't ugly either. For so long now she'd become accustomed to thinking that her looks were the reason why Ryan didn't love her, but now she was beginning to question her thinking. It wasn't just her looks she was questioning- she was questioning her whole damn relationship and her identity. For so long she was so wrapped up in being Ryan's supposed girlfriend that she'd forgotten who she was. Who was she, really? She'd been given an assignment to come up with ten things she liked about herself. She tried for two hours to come up with the first one, but was finding it impossible. Finally she sat down and began to make her list.

I have a nice ass- Ryan told me that

I throw awesome parties

I look awesome in pink

I can be funny and fun to be around

I'm loyal to my friends and coworkers. For that, she thought of Toby, whom she knew no one liked but she liked him anyways.

I can sing kareoke. That made her a lot of fun to be around

My looks are unique- there aren't too many people who look like me

I was a good sister – I am a good sister

I kick ass at work

I would make an awesome barbie doll.

She stopped to look at her list, and for a minute she actually believed them about herself. She thought of how much fun she used to be, until she became Ryan's "girlfriend". She didn't know when or why or how that stopped, but she would give anything to be that Kelly that she used to be.

She hated Ryan for taking those things from her. He ruined her life. She probably would have been better off if she had died, but fate intervened, and she was around for a reason. She needed another reason to live besides Ryan's love. Maybe she could live to make his life miserable, the way Jim did to Dwight. That always seemed like so much fun.

No, this couldn't be about Ryan. For too long it was all about him, but she couldn't go back to who she was. She hated the fact that she could have died. She hadn't even thought about what it would have done to her family, her poor parents had already lost a child. Her friends might have missed her. Michael Scott...she vaguely remembered him being there, and it seemed liked he cared. He was a little creepy but knowing that someone, anyone, cared about her made her feel a little bit better about herself.

Her work life hadn't been so bad. For so long it had been her, Ryan and Toby, and they ignored him and engaged in quite a few make out sessions at work. She knew that Toby overlooked that, so that made him kind of cool. How many jobs could you make out with your coworker and not get fired? Plus she knew that she kicked ass at what she did, so that made her feel a little better.

It was funny, she was starting to miss Dunder Mifflin, a thought that she never thought that she would have. For so long she lived for Ryan that she missed out on how much fun her job could be. They threw parties like every other week, and other than that bitch Angela her coworkers weren't too bad. Andy could make her laugh sometimes, and Jim and Pam were awesome. Dwight was a nerd but at least he knew he was a nerd and was happy with who he was. Kelly smiled as she recalled the time she drunkenly kissed Dwight. Not her proudest moment, but you only live once, right? Kevin was okay, he was a little off but he didn't bother her. Ryan, he made fun of, but Ryan kind of deserved it. That thought made her laugh. It was okay for Kevin to make fun of Ryan but if anyone else had tried it she would have killed them.

And Michael's obsession with Ryan was a little-weird. She could understand it though. Ryan was totally cute. The problem was that he knew it, and didn't think about how his actions affected others. Listen to me, she thought, all this analysis is getting to my head. And I do have a head. I just act on my heart instead.

What she wouldn't give to be the love of Ryan's life. But come to think of it, was he that great of a catch? Really all they had in common was sex, and she always felt a little empty afterwards. Something was missing that she'd never really stopped to think about before. It was love. That's what was missing. There was a difference between having sex and making love, and apparently it was obvious what she and Ryan had been doing. She hated herself for that. How low had she sunk to be at someone's beck and call?

As much as she wanted to hate Ryan, she couldn't quite bring herself to do it. She knew deep down that she loved him, even if she was angry with him. But whether or not she could be with him again, that was another question. There were dudes here at the funny farm that would give her the eye, and she would feel attractive. Not that she would do any of them, but still it was nice remembering that she had it going on. Kelly felt naked without her makeup, but in a way it was good for her to go without it for a while. She could finally take a good hard look at who she was, and decide whether or not she was going to love her anyways. Maybe even without her makeup she wasn't so bad. She had always worn makeup around Ryan. During the past few sessions they were the first time Ryan had ever seen her without it. A year ago she would have died rather than let him see who she really was, but now she didn't care. She almost died because of him, and if he wanted to judge her for not wearing makeup then who needed him?

She did, that was who. It didn't matter what she was telling her therapist, she knew in her heart that she loved Ryan. Going back and forth between love and hate, Kelly found that love won out every time. It was hard to hate someone that had meant so much to her during her late twenties. Now that she was thirty, maybe it was time to think like a woman, behave like a woman. If that meant not settling than so be it. The thirties were a time to learn from your mistakes of your twenties, she'd once read. Probably in Cosmo, her bible. She'd learned so many moves from that magazine that she had never failed to wow Ryan. But that didn't matter. It didn't matter how good in bed she was, he didn't love her, and that was a problem.

What was his deal in the therapy sessions anyways? Was he trying to play upon her heartstrings, getting her to feel sorry for him? Because it was sort of working. She did feel sorry for him if he didn't like himself. She could definitely relate. What had brought her to this hospital was the fact that she hated herself. What would she do if Ryan had tried something like that? Na, he was too vain to ever want to hurt his pretty face, Kelly laughed. But this was serious. Ryan was hurting, she was hurting, and she wasn't getting out any time soon. So she'd better settle down and get serious about getting well.

That included making some tough decisions. Did she want Ryan in her life or not? She didn't have to work at Dunder Mifflin anymore if she was serious about getting rid of him. This could be the start of a brand new life. She was kind of like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, tired of not being taken seriously by her ex or her collegues she could start a whole new life for herself and kick some serious ass. Elle was always one of her heroines.

What was she afraid of? What would she really lose by leaving Dunder Mifflin? She would miss her coworkers, but she knew that she could make friends anywhere she went. But most of all, she would lose Ryan, and no matter how much she hated him at the moment, she wasn't sure she was ready to let go. He had come to mean so much to her. It may have all been an illusion, but it was an illusion that had been her lifeline for so long. She knew that no matter how much she hated Ryan, she loved him even more, and so saying goodbye would be the most difficult thing she'd ever have to do.

But would it be the smartest thing for her? Elle Woods had lost her true love and then eventually hooked up with Luke Wilson. So maybe something like that was in store for her. Maybe she had a true love and she just didn't know it, he was right around the corner waiting for her to ditch Ryan. The thought made her smile. She'd forgotten what true love was, thanks to Ryan, and she refused to stop believing in it. Add that to number 11 of the things she liked about herself. True love always won, and she didn''t care if Dr. Riggs thought that was dumb or juvenile, she still believed in true love. There was someone for everyone. For so long she'd thought that Ryan was her true love, but what if she was wrong? Didn't she owe it to herself to find out what or who else was out there?

True, she tried dating Darryl for awhile, but once Ryan found out, he swept her back off her feet in the way only he could. He didn't want her but he didn't want anyone else to have her. Once upon a time she would have mistook that for love, but that was jealousy. He just wanted what he couldn't have, and once he had it he didnt know what to do with it. That was typical Ryan. He could be such a child sometimes.

Why couldn't she just say goodbye to Ryan and be done with it? Her life would be so much easier if he weren't in it. She could go back to being the happy, quirky girl she had once been, instead of settling for being less than. That was it. Ryan treated her like she was less than him, and she had taken it so personally. But as she began to grow Kelly started to realize that was a reflection of him, not her. He needed to drag someone so far down just to make himself feel better. What a child he was.

Ryan had once had her heart and soul, but she was in the loony bin trying to reclaim them. Her heart was hers to give away, not for him to play with. Just who did he think he was, anyways? What made him so much better than she was that he could just toss her around like she had nothing better to do than to wait for him? The sad truth was that for years she hadn't had anything better to do than to wait for him. But all of that was going to change. Taking charge of her life wouldn't be easy, but it was up to her. If she waited for Ryan to commit she would die a lonely woman, all alone with no friends and no life. He didn't care. He would get what he wanted from her when he wanted it and then leave. Certainly she deserved better than that.

If only she didn't think about those blue eyes and how he kissed her, she just might have been well on her way.


	20. Chapter 20

So when she faced Ryan the next day, she was feeling a little more sure of herself. Kelly was still torn over how she felt about him, but she had been doing a lot of thinking about how she felt about herself. She was finally starting to think she wasn't so bad after all.

She didn't get up to hug him, the way she had the other sessions. Both Dr. Riggs and Ryan noticed. Ryan walked over to hug her, and she accepted. It felt kind of good to be on the receiving end, not the giving end, of an embrace.

"Ryan, I take it you're happy to see Kelly. Did you miss her yesterday?"

He never thought he would be able to admit it to anyone else."Yes, I did. I was a little hurt that she left me out. I thought she always wanted to see me."

"You're just assuming she's available whenever you want her. Let's talk about that."

"Yes, let's talk about that, Ryan."

He looked down. "I don't know. I just kind of missed her."

"Don't tell me, tell Kelly."

"Kelly I missed you yesterday all right? I just figured you would want to see me and then when you didn't...well, I actually cried."

"You cried over me? I've been crying over you for years. How do you think I felt during all of those times?"

"Now Kelly, let's not accuse Ryan of anything. He just made a first real step in trying to get better, to help you get better. It seems like you're still harboring a lot of anger towards him."

"I am. I'm sorry, Ryan, but I'm mad at you. If you had told me once during the past five years that you had missed me, maybe things would be different now."

"But don't you see things are different now," he cried out in frustration.

"How?" Both Kelly and Dr. Riggs asked.

"I don't know. For the first time I envisioned a life without Kelly in it, and I didn't like it. I didn't like what I saw. I know that she loves me, and I don't want to lose that."

Kelly smiled. It hurt her to hear him talk like that now, after everything they'd been through, but it was nice to know her feelings weren't totally all in her head.

"Kelly, did you miss Ryan yesterday?"

"Acutally, no I didn't. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for how you feel."

"Okay then I'm not sorry that I didn't miss you. I took some time to think about who I am, what I want out of life."

"Those are two seperate trains of thoughts. Let's go with the first one. Why didn't you miss Ryan yesterday?"

"Well I took yesterday to think about myself and what I want. Who I am. What I like about myself. It was kind of fun thinking about myself for a change. Does that make me selfish?"

"No, it sounds kind of healthy. What do you think, Ryan?"

"I don't know. I just don't understand why she didn't miss me?"

"Ryan, you're missing the point. By taking the time to think of herself and not you she was relieving you of some of the pressure you've mentioned concerning your relationship. I would think that you would feel happy, not bad."

"But I'm so used to her thinking about me, this is all kind of new for me."

"There's going to be a new Kelly by the time we're done here. Do you think you can get used to her?"

"I don't know. I want to try, I really do."

Kelly looked at him, and realized that for once she held the power in the relationship. It felt kind of good. But this wasn't about getting back at Ryan, she reminded herself. It was about getting healthy again.

"Kelly, what can you do to reassure Ryan right now? It sounds like he's doubting your feelings for him."

"I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to tell him how much I love him, but then again, if I do that I go right where I was before I came here. I am not ready to tell him I love him again."

"Ryan, how do you feel about that?"

"I don't know. I guess I should feel relieved, but I don't."

"Why not? I thought that's what you wanted from her."

"I just assumed she would always love me no matter what. Maybe I took that for granted."

"You do take me for granted, Ryan. Every time you call I make myself available for you. But I can't be that girl anymore. I have friends, you know. I have a job that I like. I like to throw parties. I like to have fun. Don't you remember that about me?"

"I know. You're right. That's the Kelly I lo...I miss."

"Wait a minute, Ryan," Dr. Riggs interjected. "You started to say something else first. Finish that thought please."

"Yeah, finish it," Kelly agreed.

"I don't know what I was going to say."

"Yes you do," the doctor encouraged.

"I guess I was going to tell her that was the Kelly I love."

He looked at Kelly, waiting anxiously for her response.

"How dare you, Ryan Howard? How dare you wait until now to tell me you love me! You're so selfish. I swear you think of no one but yourself. You wait until its convient for you to tell me, not when I need to hear it."

"I thought that would make you happy?"

"What do you think would make Kelly happy, Ryan?"

He stood up and let out a small scream. "I don't know. I thought if I told her I loved her she would be happy, but apparently I'm a jerk for saying it now. I don't know. I know she wants marriage and babies and I can't give that to her yet, but I do want to be with her."

"This is our pattern, Dr. Riggs. He only wants me when he can't have me," Kelly said smugly.

"Is that true, Ryan? Do you feel threatened now that you think you can't have Kelly?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little."

"What is it that's so threatening knowing Kelly's getting healthier and may decide to make better choices for herself?"

"I just don't want to lose her, okay? I know I've messed up but I know now that I love her and I just want to be with her. I want to take her away from this madness and make things better for her but I don't know how I can! I'm only one person!"

Kelly started to tear up. For so long she'd waited to hear those words, but now that she had, she wasn't sure she believed him. "Remember when I was with Darryl, Ryan?"

He sat back down and said nothing.

"You wanted me back then so I broke up with him. Then you turned around and told me you were going on a trip, you wanted to have sex and needed money from me. How do you think that made me feel?"

"I don't know. I guess that was stupid. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry."

Kelly smiled through her tears. He was saying he was sorry, something he had never done during the past five years.

"Kelly, how do you feel about Ryan's apology and his statement of love?"

"To be honest, I don't know that I believe him. He does the same things over and over again without changing,."

"Don't you do the same things over and over again without changing?" Dr. Riggs challenged.

"Yes, but it's not about me. It's about Ryan."

"It's about the both of you and getting you two to a place where you can be together, if that is still what you want, Kelly. Is that what you want?"

Ryan held his breath and waited for what seemed like an eternity for Kelly's answer.

"More than anything in the world. But Ryan needs to know that it's going to take a lot more than sweet talk just to win me back this time."

"What will it take?"

"I don't know. I want to know that I'm loved, feel that I'm loved, see that I'm loved. I want real love more than anything else in the world and I don't think that I should have to settle for his kind of love."

Ryan was stunned. He'd just poured his heart out to Kelly and now she was rejecting him?

"What is real love to you, Kelly?"

"I don't know. Commitment. Hearing I love you know and then. Knowing what makes the other person happy and doing it even it it doesn't always make you happy, but you get the satisfaction of knowing you made that person happy."

"Ryan how would you describe love?"

"I don't know."

"Come on, Ryan. Think about it. Maybe for the first time in your life you need to think about it."

"I want someone who knows me for who I am and loves me anyways. Someone who won't disappear just because I'm not perfect. Someone who sees me for who I am and still loves me anyways."

"You've told us pieces of who you are. You don't see yourself as perfect, the way Kelly once did. Do you think she's starting to see the real you?"

"I think so."

"And that's why you told her you loved her? Or is Kelly right, you're only saying that because you can't have her?"

"I don't know. I think I love Kelly. I don't know what you want from me! I give her what she wants and you tell me it's not enough. I'm here even though I hate talking about myself. I'm here because I want her to get better. I'm here because I do love her, even though apparently neither of you believe me!"

Kelly smiled. "I believe you, Ryan," she whispered softly.

He smiled back at her. "We're going to be okay, you know that?"

"I hope so. Because I can't go back to where we were. For so many years the question I had was why didn't you love me. Now I want to know why you love me."

He hated being put on the spot."I don't know. I love you because you drive me crazy. I love that you see my craziness and you still want to be with me."

"Kelly hasn't said that she still wants to be with you," Dr. Riggs pointed out.

"Then what's the point of all of this if we love each other and can't be together?" Ryan demanded.

"The point is to get Kelly to love herself before she loves you. Don't you want to help her do that?"

"Yes of course I do, but now that I know that I love her that should count for something."

"It does, Ryan. It pleases me to hear you acknowledge your feelings for her. But feelings are temporary- love lasts. Do you think you love her enough for a lasting relationship?"

He looked around. This was making him so uncomfortable. "I think I do."

"Kelly needs you to be sure. She can't open herself to the kind of hurt you've put her through in the past again only to get her heart broke once more. Are you in, are are you out."

Ryan grabbed Kelly's hands and looked her in the eyes. "I'm in."

Kelly smiled and didn't care what Dr. Riggs thought. She leaned in to kiss him, and it was like at work- they didn't care who was around. They had each other, and for the moment, that would be enough. More than enough, for Kelly, who knew more than ever she loved that man. He was, after all, the man she was going to marry.

"Kelly, do you love Ryan, after finding out he's not so perfect after all?"

She thought about it for a moment. "I think I love him more than ever."

"Ryan, do you love Kelly, with all of her flaws, all of her humanities, with all that she has done that might have hurt you in the past?"

He smiled and looked Kelly in the eyes. "I do."

"Well then, kids, I suppose now is the perfect time to spring this upon you- Kelly is two months pregnant."

Ryan and Kelly looked at each other, not knowing what to say to the other one.


	21. Chapter 21

"I'm pregnant?" Kelly practically shouted.

Dr. Riggs nodded. "I wanted to wait until the right time to spring this upon you two kids. Kelly, how do you feel?"

"Is my baby going to be okay? After what I did?"

"Yes, we will be keeping a close eye upon you. And if you wondered why we suddenly stopped your medication, well, now you know why. Kelly, go ahead and speak up. Tell us how you really feel?"

Kelly began to cry. "I don't know what I feel. I wanted this for so long and now that it's happening I can't believe that it's real. I just found out that Ryan loves me and now he's going to leave me. This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me."

"Ryan, her biggest dream in life was that she would become a mother. Now that that's a reality, all she can think of is that she will lose your love. How do you feel about things now? Do you still love her?"

his head was spinning. Pregnant..how...after all of this... "Kelly I still love you, more than ever. Don't you worry about me. You worry about yourself and the baby. The rest will fall into pieces."

"You mean you aren't mad at me?"

"How can I be mad at you? I just want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy, then I guess I am too."

She was crying, and for once neither Dr. Riggs nor Ryan knew what to say.

"Kelly why are you crying? I would have thought that you would be happy about this."

"I am. It's just all happening so fast. I might have my dreams come true. Who would have thought that? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the unlovable girl. Now I have two people to love, who might love me. And I'm so scared to death."

"Ryan, you hear her. What can you say? Are you going to stand by her side? Because if you're not then you need to let her know now, where she's in a safe place."

He started to speak but the words failed him at the moment. He found himself crying along with Kelly, and Dr. Riggs wisely left the two alone for a few minutes.

"Ryan, did you hear that? I'm pregnant. You're really going to hate me now, aren't you?"

"How could I hate you? You're the mother of my child. There's no one I'd rather have my child than you, " he said honestly.

"You don't hate me?"

"Kelly I just told you that I loved you. What more do you need from me?"

"I need to know that the other girls, the trips, the playing around is over. If you can't do that than please leave me alone. This should be the happiest time in my life, and you know I love you. But I think I love my baby more."

He was relieved to hear that. That's the way it should have been. He held her close to him, and they could hear each other's heartbeats. He gently tussled her hair, affectionately, wanting to reassure her that everything was going to be all right.

To be completely honest, he wasn't sure if everything would be all right. I mean, the pills she took, they might have done some damage. What if their kid came out deformed? Or what if she lost it. That would kill her, and in the process, it would kill him. Now he knew he loved her. It was all about her and her feelings and not his own fears. Kelly came first, for the first time in their relationship, and he was actually kind of proud of himself.

"Kelly, I'm not going to leave you. We're going to get through this together. I promise you I'll be by your side the entire time."

She eyed him suspiciously. "Why? You hate kids. You've told me all the time you don't want to be a father. What's changed? You feel sorry for me?"

"No. What has changed is that i've finally woken up and seen that you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I came so close to losing you, and I don't want that. I just want to be with you...you and our baby. Will you let me do that for you, Kelly? Will you let me stand by your side?"

"Oh Ryan. I never thought...I never dreamed... I always assumed I would die alone. I never thought I could be this happy."

"Well if you're happy, then I'm happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."

"Really?" She looked up at him tearfully.

"really," he smiled. He sat beside her on the couch and took her hand and held it in his. "We're going to have a baby! Angela and Dwight are going to be so pissed," he laughed.

"Why would they be pissed?"

"Oh I didn't tell you...they're engaged!"

"Ugh," Kelly laughed. "What else has been going on?"

"Andy and Erin are together now. They're kind of sick, if you ask me. But the biggest thing is that Holly quit her job and is now living with Michael?"

"All of this happened because of me?"

Ryan nodded. "Yes, Kelly. Everyone saw how deeply you love and they wanted that for themselves. It took me awhile to realize it but that's what I want to. Only the only person I want to love me is you."

"Thank God because I would have to kill you if you told me you were in love with Dwight."

They both laughed. It was amazing how things were coming together for everyone. Little did they know they still had a rough road ahead of them. They had done the easy part, believe it or not, now the true test was yet to come.


	22. Chapter 22

Ryan picked up Kelly from the hospital, and after taking her home to shower and change, took her to Dunder Miffin. She'd never imagined missing her coworkers the way she had, but indeed she had found herself wanting to be surrounded by her coworkers on her first day out of the hospital. She and Ryan hadn't said much during the short ride there, but just his presence was comforting. There was so much for her to be grateful for- her job, her sanity, Ryan, and most importantly, the baby. This was all happening so fast that Kelly wasn't quite sure she could process all of it. But indeed it was all real, and so she walked into the building, not quite sure of what she could expect.

Erin was the first to greet her with a tearful hello and a hug. Erin didn't want to let go, for she had so much to tell her friend. Most of all she wanted to tell Kelly how much she was missed and loved, but she also wanted to tell her about Andy. Things with him were proceding rather quickly, and Erin knew that Kelly would know what to do. Maybe Kelly was having trouble processing her own relationship, but she always had the answers for everyone else. Not now, Erin decided. Maybe later. There would be time, lots of time. And for that, Erin was truly grateful.

Next to greet her was Andy, who'd been casually hanging around the receptionist's desk. He embraced Kelly and told a few jokes. Kelly smiled politely, but moved on around. She saw that Michael was running out of his office to greet her, so she prepared herself.

She wasn't quite sure what to expect. She vaguely remembered him being there during her first few days, and for that she was grateful. She had no idea of how Michael had really felt about her until this very moment. They'd had a rocky relationship, but all in all he was a good hearted person, a good boss, and a decent human being. The look of excitement on his face told Kelly all she needed to know of what to expect from this moment.

"Kelly Kelly bo Kelly...welcome back! Let me reassure you the place was not the same without you. You have been missed, and it's great to see that Ryan has stepped up to the bat. We wasn't sure that he would, but I always knew he would. I know you two have a lot to work out, but for right now, you're home, and there is so much to tell you."

"Like what?" Kelly asked excitedly.

"Well for one thing Erin and Andy are now a couple. Our own Dwight Shrute is engaged to be married, to none other than our own Angela Martin. And most importantly, Holly Flax and I are now a couple."

"You and Holly? Wow, that's exciting!" Kelly declared.

"Yes, it is, and for that I have to thank you. If you hadn't done what you had done then none of us would have realized what is important in life. So thank you, Kelly Kapoor, for showing us the light. Embrace the light, so to speak. We all have light in our lives thanks to you and Ryan."

Kelly smiled. This was all too much, too soon, but she didn't care. She and Ryan were about to become a family, and she could hardly wait to tell everyone. "Well, I'm so happy for all of you. Andy, what took you so long?" she smiled at her coworker. Then she decided to forgive Michael for all of his past misdeeds and hugged him. "I'm so happy for you Michael. It's so nice to know that love triumphs all, isn't it?"

"Look at you and Ryan," Michael pointed out. "Everyone here knows what a b bag he is,"

Kelly looked at Ryan, who just shrugged.

"But," Michael continued. "True love won out for the two of you. I, for one, couldn't be happier. And in your honor we have thrown a party."

Everyone followed him into the conference room, where there indeed was a party in Kelly's honor.

"A party? For me?" She shrieked in excitement.

"Not just for you. For Ryan, too. For we know how hard it was for him to come through for you. But he did. And now look at you. Is there any big news you have to share?" Michael grinned like a school child.

"As a matter of fact," Kelly responded calmly. "We do have some news to share."

"I knew it!" Michael jumped around. "You and Ryan are getting married! I knew you two would beat Angela and Dwight to the altar. Ha!"

"We're not engaged," Ryan responded calmly.

"What could be as big as that? Now I see why Kelly did what she did. You got all of our hopes up. Maybe we'll all be in the hospital tonight, all thanks to you, Ryan," Michael pouted.

Kelly couldn't wait any longer. "Ryan and I are having a baby!"

The room grew quiet with disbelief. They all knew how Ryan felt about kids, especially kids with Kelly, and so they all turned to Ryan for his response.

"It's true. The doctor told us so. We're going in for an ultrasound next week."

"Another bastard child. Just what this office needs," Angela muttered before returning to her work station.

Oscar approached Kelly. "I, for one, couldn't be happier for you both. I wish you all the best and I just know that this baby will turn out all right."

"Why wouldn't it?" Kelly asked suspiciously. "Are you saying that because I went crazy I might have a crazy kid?"

"No," Oscar put his hand on her shoulder. "We just know that this baby is a... a blessing. Congratulations you two, I couldn't be more thrilled for you."

She hugged Oscar. "I remember," she whispered. He looked at her in surprise. So he was right, comatose patients did recall things and people about their enviroment.

"It was all Toby. He insisted we visit you as often as possible," Oscar replied calmly with a knowing look on his face.

Kelly turned to Toby. "You were there for me?"

"I didn't do all that much. I just...I just brought flowers. I didn't want you to be alone," he commented slowly as he scratched behind his ear, one of his many nervous tics.

She ran up to him and kissed him on the cheek, catching Toby off guard. "Thank you."

Before he could respond Kelly ran back to Ryan, embracing him excitedly. "Oh, Ryan, I told you everything would be all right. They are all so happy for us. They believe in us, and finally you do too. It was like, so hard waiting on you, but I'm so glad I did. Look at us! Look at everyone. And you don't believe in happy endings," she pouted.

So the office buzzed with excitement the entire day, with no one really getting much accomplished, but that was okay with Michael. Kelly was okay, and there would be a Dunder Mifflin baby, so he couldn't have been happier. He felt like in some cosmic way that he had played a part in Kelly and Ryan's happiness, so he was feeling pretty good about himself. He'd called Holly and told her the news, and she basked in her boyfriend's joy. Now there was no doubt that she'd done the right thing by breaking up with AJ, because in her heart she knew that that would be her and Michael. Some day, of course.

Kelly was feeling a little overwhelmed by all the greetings, so she slipped back to the annex for a moment of peace. She needed to catch her breath, she'd been talking so much. Everyone had gone out of their way to be kind to her, and even though she knew it was partly out of pity, she didn't really care. She was happy, she was going to be a mother, and she and Ryan were going to work things out. Ryan loved her! He had finally told her that. If you would have told Kelly that all of this would be the result of a drastic action on her part, she never would have believed her. She had always believed in happy endings, and it looked like she was going to get hers after all.

Of course she wished Ryan would propose. It seemed like that was the natural next step. But one thing she had learned in her counseling was to keep her expectations in check. It was hard not to get caught up in the fantasy of having a family of her own to love, but first things first. Ryan had loved her after all, and she was happy with that. One day at a time, she reminded herself. Ryan loved her and they were having a baby, and now nothing stood in the way of their happiness.


	23. Chapter 23

So a few weeks later, after Kelly had gotten settled back into work and her routine of life, the big day was finally here. It was the day of Kelly's ultrasound, and neither her nor Ryan knew what to expect.

Kelly kept joking about twins, but Ryan just nodded his head and went along with her dreams. What he hadn't told her- or anyone- was that he was scared. Very scared. He had a bad feeling that this pregnancy might not be what his girlfriend expected it to be, but he kept those thoughts to himself. He'd already crushed enough of her dreams- how could he bring himself to tell her that he thought that their baby might be deformed or otherwise damaged by the pills she took?

He knew he'd been accused of being heartless on many occasions, but after the scare with Kelly, he vowed that he would change. Obviously things between them needed to change. He'd come to realize that he either needed to let Kelly go completely or commit to her. It wasn't easy, and it had taken a lot of soul searching, but he'd come to realize that Kelly and he belonged together, for better or for worse. Somewhere down the line he planned on proposing, but that wouldn't be until after he found out that their child was okay.

Kelly was nervous- you could tell by her endless chatter during the prepartion for the ultrasound. She was her normal, bubbly, cheerful self, the one that he had missed and definitely opposite of who he'd seen in the hospital. Ryan realized that this was a big day for her. It was the day she'd been dreaming of ever since her sister died. Who was he to crush her dreams by filling her head with doubt and fright?

"So, Kelly, this is your first child?" The doctor smiled as he applied the cool gel to her bare stomach.

"Yes, isn't it so exciting? Ryan and I have been waiting for this day like for forever!" she giggled.

The doctor looked at Ryan, who just went along with everything Kelly had been saying.

He wouldn't be reassured until the doctor told them that everything looked good, that their baby had ah healthy heartbeat and that everything would be okay for Kelly's pregnancy.

He noticed. He noticed the doctor's frown, whereas Kelly was too busy talking to notice. But Ryan did, and he had a sinking feeling that his worst fears were about to be confirmed.

"Now Kelly, how are you feeling?" The doctor asked. "Any more thoughts of harming yourself? Any thoughts of harming others?"

"No, gosh, all I want is this baby and nothing else matters. I've got it all planned out. Her name will be Bailey after Ryan and she will have dark hair and his blue eyes. She will be a happy baby, because she's going to know how much her mommy and daddy love her. She will be absolutely perfect, right Ryan?"

He avoided eye contact with his girlfriend. "How is the baby, doctor?"

"Well, Kelly, as you know it's too soon to find out if it's a girl. But I must warn you... I'm seeing something that I don't like."

"What? What are you talking about? Oh my gosh is something wrong with my baby?" Kelly began to cry, and for once Ryan wished he hadn't been right about something, not something so important.

"Kelly and Ryan, your baby will be born with a birth defect."

"Oh my, does it mean it has twelve toes or something? We can live with that, can't we, Ry?"

Ryan stared at the doctor.

"Kelly, I'm afraid your baby has a hole in its heart. It will need immediate surgery after its born and several times more as it gets older. This requires great responsibily. Are you sure you both are up to the challenge of raising a handicapped child?"

Kelly nodded vigorously. "I just want my poor baby to be okay. I'll do everything you ask. I'll keep every doctor's appointment, follow all the rules, read every book. Just tell me it will be okay," she pleaded in a way even Ryan hadn't heard before.

"With proper medical care there is no reason why your child can't live a long and healthy life. But you need to take good care of yourself during this time. Try to eat healthy. Take your vitamins- those will be important. And Mr. Howard, are you prepared to support your girlfriend during this trying time?"

All eyes were on Ryan as he thought about what he wanted to say. "I won't ever leave her side," he finally settled on saying.

"Good. Let's get you some pamphlets before you leave and your vitamins, and I'll see you in a month."

"Oh, doctor, what about work?" Ryan asked a little too quickly.

"I don't see why she shouldn't be able to work. Kelly's in great health and it might do her some good to keep her mind off of things for a while. You're there, so you will be able to keep an eye on her. Just try to make this pregnancy an enjoyable one for her."

Ryan nodded, not knowing if he were up to the task asked of him. But he would try, he really would. He had come to realize how much he loved Kelly, and would protect her, even if there were nothing he could do for their child at the moment. He'd never felt this helpless, not even when Kelly was in the hospital. This was his kid, his child, and no matter how hard it got, he would love his baby, no matter what.


	24. Chapter 24

Ryan was beginning to wonder if the seriousness of the situation had sunk in with Kelly. She'd organized a baby shower at work, decorated the baby's room pink (they had learned in fact it was a girl) and basically threw herself into the pregnancy with full on gusto. It was as if the baby's condition didn't exist. As Kelly grew closer to her due date, Ryan was starting to freak out. He knew what this meant...a child with disabilities. Ever used to doubting himself, he began to wonder if he was up to the task that having a child with disabilities required. But someone had to be the responsible one. If anyone would have told him he would be the responsible partner in his and Kelly's relationship, he would have freaked out. But he couldn't now, not with so much at stake.

Every time he tried to bring up the baby's surgery with Kelly she changed the subject in the way only she could. They could be discussing baby names and then she would go off on a tangent about if Beyonce's baby bump was real, and to look at how fat she herself had become. Kelly wasn't fat- she was beautiful. But the more Ryan tried to tell her that the more she compared herself with celebrities who gained like five pounds during their pregnancy, and there was just no reassuring Kelly.

Sometimes, quite often actually, he felt like giving up. It was so hard being the comforter when he was the one who needed comfort. A child at heart, Ryan knew that he'd never really grown up, and this pregnancy and Kelly's suicide scare had forced him to take a deep hard look at himself. Most of the time he didn't like what he'd seen. But he couldn't talk to Kelly about that. She was all about the baby...Bailey, she'd called her, that he couldn't bring up his apprehensions. He didn't want to kill her joy, but someone needed to bring up the obvious.

In a strange way he was beginning to miss Michael Scott. Michael was many things, but Ryan missed his empathy. If anyone could force Kelly to face the hardened truth, it would have been Michael. But he was gone, having moved on with his life. It would be so easy to assign the task of bringing Kelly back down to earth to anyone, really, but this was his job. If he'd learned anything about himself during counseling with Kelly, it was that sometimes he could ground her. Sometimes that was a bad thing. But in this case it needed to be done, and how, he had no clue.

It wasn't as if he didn't love Kelly. They'd worked through that, and every day he tried to take a step towards loving himself so that he could be the partner Kelly wanted, and needed. But it was hard to love someone at times who refused to look at what was right in front of her. That was the most infuriating part about Kelly. Sometimes she lived with her head in the clouds and wasn't really prepared for reality. And pretty soon they both were about to be served with a heavy dose of it.

So instead of playing spider solitaire, Ryan tried to look up birth defects during his spare time. Given that he worked in a closet, that wasn't hard to do. He printed up things, forwarded things to Kelly, but all he got in a response was "K." that was telling. She was obviously not ready for the challenge that this baby would bring, and the thought scared him to pieces. Kelly would be a great mother, but she wasn't preparing herself for all of the challenges that came with parenthood. Decorating a nursery in pink and picking out baby names were the easy part. Not being able to hold your child for a month because she'd just had surgery, well, that was the hard part.

Kelly had it in her mind that she would just bring the baby home and they'd be an instant family. And the more she did that, the more she resisted. It would be hard enough supporting Kelly through this, but Ryan knew that he had to man up and be there for the baby as well. Did he even have it in him? Part of him wanted to run, but he couldn't. He'd made his bed and it was time to lie in it. He would have a family, a family in which Kelly would play a major part.

It was hard to be mad at her for living in denial. She was so happy that Ryan hated to burst her bubble. But it was this kind of head in the sand thinking that got her to the dark place so many months ago, and he was kind of scared that she was headed there again. Living in the moment was nice, it was kind of fun, but they were going to be parents. They kind of had to learn how to plan ahead.

One day a very pregnant Kelly came over to his house, bringing a curry dinner.

He didn't say anything. Instead Ryan walked away, not sure of what he wanted to say to Kelly, but he knew that he had to say something.

"Is something wrong? The doctor said spicy food was fine once in a while," Kelly yelled after him.

"It's not about the food. I don't want the damn food to tell you the truth."

Kelly smiled. "is someone feeling sympathy pains? Isn't that totally cute?"

Ryan stared at her with an intensity she'd never seen in him before. "No. It's not cute. It's kind of a pain to tell you the truth. Someone has to be the grown up and sometimes the truth hurts, but I think you need to hear it."

She stared icily at him. "What are you talking about? Are you dumping me?"

"IS that what you think this is about?"

"I don't know what this is about. You've been acting kind of weird lately and I don't like it."

"You know what I don't like, Kelly?" He pounded the kitchen table with his fist for emphasis. "I don't like how you're acting."

She couldn't believe what she'd heard. "You don't like how I'm acting? You send me all these freaky emails at work and you're the one who doesn't like how I'm acting?"

"Yes. You're acting like you did before, and I have to tell you, I don't find it appealing. Not at all."

"What are you talking about? I've been talking about the baby and you tell me you don't like it? What's wrong with you man?"

"I think people are afraid to tell you the truth, but I won't be that person. You've put all your emphasis on the things that don't matter that you're overlooking one simple fact- OUR KID IS NOT ALL RIGHT!"

"What are you, crazy? Our baby is perfect."

"Didn't you hear the doctor? She has a hole in her heart. She needs surgery. What part of that don't you get?"

Now Kelly started to cry. "Why are you so mean to me, Ryan? All I ever did was love you."

"No, all you ever did was convince yourself you loved me. You tried to kill yourself because of that love. Do you think I want that on my conscience?"

"Typical Ryan. Making it all about you."

"Won't you listen to someone for once in your life? What you're doing is not healthy and you're going to end up where you were seven months ago if you don't wake up and face the facts. Our kid's not healthy, you're not healthy, and I'm going crazy tiptoeing around you so not to upset you. But you know what? I don't care if you get mad. You need to hear the truth. You're not taking care of the baby. If you don't step up, I will."

Now Kelly was furious. "Are you threatening me, Ryan Howard?"

"I'm just saying you're not in a good place. You haven't learned anything from this year, have you?"

"I thought I learned that I loved you but maybe I was wrong."

"Great, withhold your love. That's real mature."

"Like you never did that to me time and time again," Kelly argued. "You were the one who made me do what I did in the first place. If you weren't so selfish..."

"Yeah, okay. Maybe I was selfish. I was looking out for myself. But now I have someone else to live for. I'm looking out for the baby. And you need to too Kel."

She started to cry. "I'm scared."

He pulled her close to him. "I am too. But it's going to be okay. You just have to trust me."

"I don't know if I can."

"For Bailey's sake, can you trust me?"

No one said anything. Instead he just held her, wishing there was some way to make everything go away.


	25. Chapter 25

So the baby was born, true to the doctor's prediction Bailey Jane Howard was born with a hole in her heart. Instead of Kelly getting to hold her, the doctors whisked Bailey off for surgery. Kelly was a mess, to say the least.

It appeared to Ryan that the truth was finally hitting Kelly. He'd never seen her upset, not like this. What was going on in her mind? He knew he had to find out.

"Kel, you know she's in the best hands possible. The doctors said she'd be okay. She will be just fine."

"Can you promise me that, Ryan? I don't mean another one of your empty promises. I need to know that Bailey will be just fine."

"She will. Now scoot over. I want to lie with you for a little bit. Would you like that?"

She obliged, tears falling down her face. It was one of the few times he'd ever seen Kelly without makeup, and in his eyes she was even more beautiful than ever.

"Don't worry, Kelly. Bailey will be just fine. She's a fighter, like her mama."

"You think I'm a fighter?"

"You've always fought for me, haven't you?"

"So once again this turns into the Ryan Howard show."

"No," he leaned over and kissed her forehead. "You fought for us. You've fought for Bailey. I never realized how strong you were until just now. I'm so sorry that I took you for granted for so long. I was selfish, inconsiderate, and rude, and you still love me. That proves to me that miracles still exist."

"Save those miracles for our daughter, Ryan. She needs them even more than we do."

"Oh, Kelly. You really are something, aren't you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked him suspiciously.

"It means that just when I think I have you pegged you turn around and surprise me. You love our daughter, don't you?"

"More than anything in this world. Except for maybe you. I don't know what I'd do if I were to lose you, Ryan."

Hugging her, he reassured her lovingly. "You're not going to lose me. I promise you ..."

"Save your promises. The only promise I need from you is that Bailey will be all right."

'"She will be. Just like I told you, she's a little fighter, just like her mama."

With that, Kelly grinned for the first time all day. "I'm a mama, aren't I?"

'"You sure are. And there isn't anyone I'd rather be the mother of my child than you, Kelly Kapoor. Kelly, I've been doing a lot of thinking..will you..."

"No! Don't propose to me now, not until we know how our daughter is. I love you for asking but really I need to know how Bailey is before I can answer you."

"Fair enough. That's the way it should be, anyways."

"Ryan, you know how much I love you, right?"

He smiled. "Yes, I love you more than you'll ever know."

"You know what? I love you but I think I love Bailey even more."

"That's the way it should be, Kel. That's the way it should be."

Just then the doctor walked in.

"How is she?" Kelly asked excitedly.

The doctor frowned, and Ryan knew what that meant. He took a hold of Kelly's hand; he knew she'd be needing all of the support she could get.

"I'm sorry, Kelly, Ryan. We did everything we could...but she was just too tiny...the hole was too big...she didn't make it past surgery."

Kelly stared at Ryan, then at the doctor. "What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me...that my baby's gone?"

Ryan tried to kiss her, but she pushed him away. "This is all my fault! If only I hadn't have taken those stupid pills. I don't deserve to be a mother anyways!" With that, she broke down sobbing, leaving Ryan feeling more helpless than he ever had before in his life.


	26. Chapter 26

So without saying a word, Ryan wheeled Kelly in to say goodbye to baby Bailey. The look on Kelly's face when she saw the lifeless body of her daughter nearly broke his heart, to say the least.

She stared at Bailey for a few seconds without saying a word. Finally, the reality of what had happened began to sink in, and she broke down, crying like Ryan had never see her do before.

"It's going to be okay," he whispered as he lovingly brushed the hair out of her face, which was now clinging to Kelly's tearstained eyes.

"No, it won't. It will never be okay."

"Would you like me to take a picture...so we can remember her?"

"I don't want to remember her like this, Ryan. I'll never be able to forget this day, as long as I live. She was my miracle, and I killed her. I did this to her. I did this to us."

"It's not your fault. She just was too young. Now you have a little angel waiting for her in heaven. She'll be your guardian angel, Kelly."

"that's not the way it's supposed to be. I was supposed to protect her. And I let her down. I'll never be able to live with myself."

"What are you saying? Are you thinking of doing something..."

"Yes! No! I don't know what I'm saying. I'm saying that I love my baby and I never even got to hold her. I never got the chance to tell her how much her mommy loved her. What kind of mother am I?" she sobbed into her hands.

"Do you want me to take you back to your room?" Ryan asked.

Without saying a word, Kelly nodded, taking one final look at the little angel she had to leave behind.

00000

No one knew what to say in the office. Michael had obviously been crying when he came out to tell the rest of the gang what had happened.

Even Angela was hardpressed not to cry. She didn't believe in out of wedlock babies, and she really didn't care for Kelly or Ryan at all, but she knew that even they didn't deserve what had happened to them.

"What should we do?" Phyllis asked as she put away the pink baby's blanket she had been knitting for Kelly and Ryan.

"What can we do? I'm asking you, I'm asking everyone...what can we do? Today we lost one of our own, and it is probably the saddest day in Dunder Mifflin history," Michael sniffed.

"Maybe we can buy them some flowers," Erin suggested.

"Don't be ridiculous. Flowers wither away and die. The last thing that Kelly and Ryan need is another reminder of how too short life is," Dwight huffed. Andy squeezed Erin's hand in support.

"Take up a donation?" Oscar suggested. "Funerals can be rather expensive, and maybe it can be a way we can offer our support without being too intrusive on their grief."

"That's it. We'll hold a fun-raiser. We'll play cards, poker night, anything to create enough funds to donate to Kelly and Ryan."

"Are you sure we really want to do something illegal in order to help them?" Toby added.

"Who asked you? What are you, the angel of death? Say, didn't you visit Kelly in the hospital?" Michael retorted.

"I don't think it's Toby's fault," Erin said softly. Andy had never been prouder of his girlfriend in all the time they'd spent together. "I think we should do something to help them. Maybe we should just ask them what they need from us."

"Don't be ridiculous. If people knew what they really needed then no one would really need for anything."

Jim and Pam approached Michael. "Michael, can we see you in the conference room?"

"Good idea. Conference room, five minutes."

"No," Pam said sweetly. "Just the three of us."

"Okay, whatever you say."

Jim and Pam looked at each other, then Jim hugged Michael, much to his surprise. But he held on, not wanting to let go. His friends were hurting, that meant he was hurting. How could anything ever be right again, after this?

Pam took her turn in hugging Michael. "I know you're hurting, Michael. We all are. But the best thing you can do is just to be Ryan's friend. I know how much you look up to Ryan. He doesn't need anything because all he wants is to have something that just wasn't meant to be. Sometimes when people are hurting they become terribly sad, and I think that just by being you, well, that would mean the most to Ryan."

Michael tried not to cry. "Okay. Okay. And Jim...I've never told you this before, but I think you're a very lucky man."

Jim looked at his wife, and he knew that he was in total agreement with his boss. Pam was a one of a kind woman, and if something like what had happened to Ryan and Kelly happened to them, he didn't know what he would do. He would spent the rest of his life showing Pam just how much he loved her.

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

Once Dwight arrived at Angela's house, he realized that something was wrong- terribly, dreadfully wrong. This was the first time in his life that he had ever seen Angela cry.

"What's wrong, kitten? Is it one of the cats?" he reached over to put his hands on her arms but she pulled away.

"Dwight, the cats are okay. But I have been doing some thinking. Maybe we should put our wedding plans on hold."

"Why? We're supposed to get married in three weeks! Is it something I've said, something I've done?"

"It's not you, Dwight. It's the baby."

"Baby? What baby?"

She stared at him icily, so immediately he knew what she was talking about. "Is this about Ryan and Kelly's baby? I didn't think you even liked them!"

"I don't...I didn't. But what happened to them, well, I can't even wrap my head around it. It was a baby, Dwight. A tiny little baby, one of God's own creations. And now she's gone, before she even had a chance."

"A chance at what?" Dwight scoffed. "What kind of life do you think it would have had with those two imbeciles for parents?"

"She. The baby was a she. A tiny, helpless little baby girl."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Dwight, you just don't understand."

"I'm afraid you're right. I don't understand. Angela, you've never been sentimental. Every day hundreds of kids die, due to war or famine or ab..."

"Don't say the "a' word, Dwight. You know how I feel about it."

He decided to soften his approach. "I'm sorry, kitten. I just don't see what Kelly's misfortune has to do with us!"

"Don't you see? It will be our special time and all everyone will be thinking is about that dead baby. I don't want that for our wedding, do you?"

"Ah. I see. You're right. Let's give it another few weeks. A month, tops. That should help everyone forget..."

"I don't want to forget," Angela sighed softly.

"What?"

"There was a little baby. Yes, her mother is an Indian and probably believes in a hundred gods, but why couldn't one of them be merciful? It just doesn't make sense."

"Nothing about religion makes sense, Angela."

"Don't tell me that!" she pushed him away. "I don't know what I believe in anymore. None of this makes any sense...why Kelly still loves that idiot Ryan, why she did what she did over him, why they had to lose their baby...I always thought that God was a forgiving God, at the end of the day anyways. But now what? What do I think of a God that takes away helpless little babies?"

For once, Dwight was speechless. "Angela, you know I'm no fan of religion. But I would never deny you the comfort it provides you. It would seem to me that this is a time of faith, a way to test your beliefs. Hang in their, kitten. You're a strong, proud woman. You can get through this. And by the way, you'll always have me."

She leaned in to him. "I'm glad I have you."

And at that moment, she realized that Dwight K. Shrute was the best part of her life.

TBC


End file.
